Pretty vs Beautiful

The quarantine enabled me to have some time to watch (and rewatch) series.

One of those i watched was Glee and in this particular episode Coach Beiste was asked out by Cougar, the football agent. She thought it was a joke and she roared with anger as she replied:

“But I’m not a pretty girl. I don’t have the kind of face that a pretty girl has.”

to which Cougar replied:

“Well, that’s good because I don’t date girls. I date women. Beautiful women, like you.”

This got me thinking.

Ever since I was a little girl, I really haven't felt pretty enough. I've always felt unnoticed. I've always felt that I do not have my friends' "effortless good looks".I've always felt that I was not deserving of that word. 

And then I realized I don't want to be pretty anymore. I want to be beautiful. I want to possess something that lasts, even if all the pretty is beaten out of me. Beautiful has sturdy roots that run deep into the earth, building the tallest, strongest trees. I want people to smile when they look at me, with or without my lipstick on, because they associate me with something more than can be seen. I want to be beautiful and I think that I could be. I think – somewhere deep down – that I am.

I'm back (sort of)

someone asked me if i would like to delete past memories...

And have them repeat again in some form or other? No, thanks. I’d rather keep both eyes, ears open. Whole heart and spirit vulnerable and sensitive, able to look back at what was, celebrate what was wonderful, learn from the terrible and hopefully become wiser for tomorrow and present for today. I don’t want to pretend none of it happened. The battle scars can’t be denied after all. But no one has the right to make me suffer for them.

No one, not even myself.

I have a project planned, as requested by some people. Oh, i don't know if I can do this. But let's see. WIsh me luck, friends!

Back!

The last two (three?) years went by in a blur. I was feeling all sorts of feelings, traveling for work, traveling to get away, accepting everything at work just to get busy, trying to make sense of where I was and what I want that I forgot about this blog. I have some scribbles in my phone and in my journals, but even those were all done in a hurry.

I tried writing again, and told myself I'll put them here, but....yeah. Things happened. I kinda lost me.

I was trying to do a lot of work because I honestly didn't know what to make of my life. All that I know is my job, and I even feel I'm not exceptionally good at it. I've had big and small victories, but even those victories seemed shallow.  I will write something about the last 2 years eventually, but I feel as if I have not really moved forward.

And now that I am about to turn another year older, I'm scared. I have never been this scared before. I am anxious of what lies ahead. I used to see my future clearly painted, I prayed that I be given the grace of that future I so soooo want, but the past years have taught me that really, my future is uncertain. It is not completely under control.

For now, I have decided to write again. I will take small steps, one post at a time.  And hopefully, all will be well.

2016

taking stock

i have been telling myself that i need to take stock of what happened in 2016, seeing that the past days/weeks have been mostly frustrating, if not sad.

i entered 2016 with a lot of hope for the new year. now that it’s about to end, i I find difficulty in looking at the bright side because of the past months’ happenings.
So what happened in 2016?

We graduated. Oh, what a happy thing! I saw my dad beaming and all the trouble, all the money spent, everything was worth it with that happy/proud face of my dad.

I went abroad with my love. It was a first for us and it was all sorts of emotions. Truly, the best way of getting to know someone is to travel with them and live with them.

Brother embarked on his toughest challenge as of yet, and I cannot do anything to help him as he has to go through it on his own.

I celebrated 15 years in my job. The fifteen years flew so fast, I didn’t even realized them passing. I know now that what I am doing is my passion.

I got back to my previous post in the workplace. I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t want it. I was already contented with being a simple teacher, happy to be imparting my knowledge to the other loves of my life: my students. Going back to the post is one of the biggest reason why my year was tumultuous to say the least. I found out that my heroes were villains. I realized that not all those who smiled at me were my friends, nor those who promised to help me would keep their word. For the longest time, I was so sad in my job, i still even feel it now, because it seems as if the pillars holding my post were falling apart. I didn’t know who to look up to anymore. I cannot allow myself to fall apart because I have people counting on me to be strong. It was -IS still - very difficult, and my heart still has not recovered from it. I have a few more months in 2017 to finish what I started and my only hope is to go through this sane, and still hopeful.

Friends came and were gone. I lost some and others, i realized were not my friends after all. It is always painful to lose a friend, but more so when you hold these people close to your heart, and they turn out the opposite after all.

Family came home. We are still struggling with problems in the extended family and i know it will take years to fix them.

I have been writing this post for the past 4 days and re-reading it now made me see that everything was still negative.

So what am i thankful for?

I am thankful for my friends where i work in. They have evolved over the years from people i barely know to students i loved, to become my colleagues, and now to family. I know that without them, work would be a miserable experience this year. They keep me strong, they keep me sane.

I am thankful for the friends I have outside of my work. They, whose lives I live vicariously through. They, who people usually cannot believe I am friends with (I really wonder why).

One day, I will hold a big party and introduce everyone to each other. It will surely be fun! Lol.

I am thankful for my family. My dad, who can be difficult, but who never said “i told you so”. My brother, who is emotionally constipated (that’s according to him) but shows his love in his own ways. My extended family in both sides who are all ridden with their own problems, but who stick together and keep the family intact.

I have a lot of things planned for 2017. I had a lot of things planned for this year but didn’t pan out, so that will add up to the plans for 2017.

I want to be happy. Negativity got into me. I poured my heart and soul to things and persons who were not worth them.  I got lost this year. I want to find myself.

I want a lot. A LOT. I don’t know where to start.

Things I learned the past 2 months.

1. The people you admire and hold close to your heart are the same people who will break it.
2. No matter how good you are, you cannot do everything. You are just one person. You cannot do the jobs of 28 different individuals. Each one should pull some effort. And if they won't, maybe something should be done about it.
3. Nice is not always good. Nice sometimes sucks. Nice gets you abused.
4. Sleep, however, is very good. The kind that's more than eight hours, with no disruptions, and waking up to a brand new day knowing you have abso-fucking-lutely nothing to do. Of course, this kind of sleep never happens to you.

People broke my heart. Exhausted is an understatement for how I am feeling right now.

July and August

 The past two months were filled with activities that built (and still building) friendships and communities. It has been a lot of work, but when you love what you're doing, even the uber stressors can't bring you down!Plus, a lot of food don't hurt too! :)