Promises made in the moonlight often don't hold up in the light of day.

so tired. and frustrated.

goodnight.

a short rant

"Always speak how you feel and never be sorry for being real."

that's the first fb status i saw when i logged in. how apt.

i guess i will always be that person who cares more than she should. who worries more than she should. who gives more than she should. who loves more than she should.

and who eventually gets hurt more than she should.

earlier this evening, i was arguing with someone who thinks i should stop just that. and it got me thinking. maybe this person's right. maybe i should consider stopping that - caring, worrying, giving, loving. i thought, "maybe my heart's not right."

but i know i can't. and i know i will feel bad, i will feel sad. i will get hurt a gazillion more times for being that kind of person. but this is me. my heart may be beaten and broken but it will continue to give. to care. to worry. to love. and to want and wish for all that in return.

i won't be saying sorry for that anymore.

have you ever...

...heard a song from so long ago with so many memories tied to it that it made you cry? And didn’t you wish that you could go back in time when everything was simpler and carefree?


...reminisced on something in the past, thinking of every possible way you could have changed it, made it last, made it work? You spend your days waking up, thinking about it, going through your day thinking about it, and going to bed thinking about it - hoping and praying it will come back - nothing lasts forever. We go through our lives thinking about yesterday and not today. You’re in denial, heart aching and regretting. We’re young, we’re reckless and we’re alive. We make mistakes, we lose people we love and that’s just the way life works. Letting go isn’t being weak or giving up… letting go is GROWING UP.

Anyone can make you smile or cry but it takes someone special to make you smile
when you already have tears in your eyes.

let's slow dance

right now...

thankful for free wifi. mint mocha, ftw! (siiigh)

insert long sigh here

too tired to re-type

ngaa amo na ang world? ngaa ang mga law-ay batasan may mga tawo nga daw mapatay sa ila sa "luyag"? ngaa ang mga mabuot, wala ya aw? sakalinte. indi manami.

the day in pictures

chapel for the daily candle

no glass for my massive window (can i jump? too tired already)


weekly date

glad for the impromptu dinner


busog ang amay

let me tell you something about my tatay

Some of the best things I learned in life (and share with others) I picked up from my tatay. here's my v.01

Read

Tatay and nanay read a lot. They would take my brother and I to bookstores, ask us which books we'd like to read and buy them for us. I started with the obligatory fairy tales and moved on to Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Choose your Own Adventure and of course, the classics. Nanay, being the religious one, also introduced me to the lives of saints. I remember days when it would just be us, at home, having a book each and sharing comfortable silence, engrossed in our readings. Reading introduced me to worlds I didn’t have access to, or didn’t even know existed.

Laugh. Be funny.

My dad looks serious enough but he is one funny guy. I always admire his ability to make other people comfortable by cracking his trademark jokes.

I believe every person should possess a sense of humor. Life is too long to be taken too seriously. Funny’s a personality, a charm and, when life knocks you down, it’s a saving grace.

He also told me to look for a man who can make me laugh. One who gets my jokes, my sarcasm, my hirits. One who shares my brand of humor.

Be respectful.

Being polite will never hurt. It will never be out of style. People may not remember your name but they will forever remember how good you made them feel. People may be rude at you but it will be better to talk it out rather than smack each other off the floor.

Hard work and patience

My tatay was a farm boy. He grew up with six other siblings and so money was hard for them. He worked his ass off so he can go to school and he did. He even finished two courses and some units in law. It took him quite some time but he always reminded us that "patience is a virtue" and it is one virtue he's glad he has.

You own your feelings.

Many times in life, your happiness or sadness has already been decided…by you, by your attitude, and by your expectation of what is and what will be. To hear someone say, “just decide to be happy each day and you will be” sounds too simple, but there is power behind the words of people that say those sort of things. The truth is, if you aren't actively working to fix whatever bothers you about your life right now...then on some level you actually like it or else you'd be doing something entirely different. "that's just the way it is" is not an excuse, because you know what, it only is if you believe it to be.

My tatay, after a breakup, told me this "you're hurt. cry it out. let it all out. then decide to stand up and move on. Do not allow yourself to wallow in self-pity and sadness. You own your feelings. Quit feeling sad and sorry and start moving your way to happiness".

It was difficult, but i know that had it not been for him telling me that, i wouldn't have moved on from that godawful breakup.


Don’t be scared of bugs, spiders, lizards, and all those goddarn insects.

Our house is an old house so we get our share of critters. There's this thing that when a gecko falls on you, it will stick to you forever. And we have some bigger than normal spiders too. My tatay would give me a lesson on the food chain by saying, “You should be thankful that there are lizards and spiders because they eat mosquitoes!” Then he'll add "look at its size and YOUR size. it should be scared of you and not otherwise!"

Share your blessings

When you share your blessings with others, it comes back tenfold, even more. Money isn't everything. It might get you fancy stuff but it will never buy you real love or happiness.

Make memories

Five, ten, twenty years from now, you will still talk about these experiences and no amount of money can ever replace how you felt at THAT moment.

Choose your friends but be a good friend to everyone.

Never tolerate bullshit when it comes to people in your life. Be picky when it comes to a person's loyalty to you. How, when you are down, they would be the first one you would run to and the last one to let you go. Be picky when it comes to people who are unequivocally for you, not because of what you do, but because you are.

Never question your greatness.

I grew up with some insecurities and there are so many things that I am not but my tatay has never made me feel as if I wasn’t enough. My dad believes that I am great. Whether I fly or fail, I know that dad will be the rock that tells me that I am beautiful, special and brilliant. I feel that i have no choice but to believe i really am that - beautiful, special, brilliant.

Find a man who will be your best friend, partner, lover.

I remember one very rare moment, a few days after my "breakup-breakup" that i saw my tatay browsing the net at his office in BJMP and he called me and made me read this (i copied and pasted it and emailed to myself):

"I just don’t want you to want Love so bad that you fall in love with the idea of Love and forget one of the essentials to great Love…and that is finding the right person (for you).

It is true that you can make a person your conduit to Love, but they may not be the one that will sacrifice a part of them for a part of you. And I know, no person wants to hear the word sacrifice and love in the same sentence and these people that despise those words are (later) the most frustrated over it because they think that love just works somehow, minus sweat?

Giving a part of you for a part of them isn’t an either/or proposition and to gloss over the ‘work’ part, which is vital to the long-term viability of your relationship, is to say sewing and reaping only works on the farm, when the truth is, that concept applies to every part of your life especially your relationship(s) with other people."

and then this was what he told me (in essence): Find a PERSON, not an idea. You have to accept each other, flaws and all. You should be able to have comfortable silence. You should have the same values in life. You should be able to laugh with and not at (although sometimes you can't help but laugh AT) each other. You should be able to talk about anything and everything without fear of being judged. It's all about being each other's "ka-unong". Things will get rough at times but if you have this right person with you, everything will be alright. This person should always be that person you'd think and you'd know who'll make your life happier, easier.


Smile

It does not hurt to smile. Strangers may have a terrible day but when you smile at them, it might take some of the negativity away.

I’m always, always thankful that there is such a thing as love, and that my tatay has never shown me anything but that.

happy father's day tatay! i will always be your lil girl bisan gnapahalin mo na ko di. hahaha =)

A good father is one of the most unsung, unpraised, unnoticed, and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society

without getting too mushy (kay basi kadlawan mo na naman ako...bastos! =P ) here's my father's day greetings (and i grabbed some pics sa fb. sensya na. was running out of time eh. wanted to post at midnight gid):

dear tata vinoi,

you were right. i would not have liked you had we spent this much time while we were in college. we were much too different, then. somehow, in a span of 8(?) years, we went through similar shiz (similar lang ha...not same...i can see you rolling your eyeballs na naman). funny how time changes everything and everyone.

so we really didn't have memories then, but we can always make up for that right? aug 8, 2011 pa man expiration date naton. we still have about a month and a half. =D

i will never get tired of telling you how proud i am of the tawo you have become now. you grew up fast and you did it away from all of us. that must have been difficult. (i can imagine you rolling your eyes, saying "it was not"...ok ok. but i know you get what i mean). you had some blunders but they were all in the past. they were all done and over with. the future is still ahead of you so make use of the present to get to that very bright shining shimmering future.

things may not have turned out perfect but trust that everything will be okay soooooooooon. i believe it will. you have to believe in that too. you have two wonderful boys who love and will forever love you no matter what. you are their dad, period. and you are a great, responsible dad. you have sacrificed a lot already (and still doing so) and i am sure they will understand everything in time.

i wish you more success and i am certain you'll have that but please do not take your health for granted. take some rest. sleeeeeeeeeeeep. eat well. and drink lots of water. i wish you good health. i wish you'd listen more. i wish you'd stop it with that 50yr-old crap and the "we're wired that way" bs (you can always do something about it). i wish you'd sometimes stop rationalizing everything because i know how hard and mentally/emotionally tiring that can be. we have to stop looking through rose-colored (in your case color blinded) glasses. sometimes we have to stop making excuses for every little thing and just face the truth. feel the pain. we cannot move forward if we're stuck in the past, making excuses so we can stay in our "comfort zone", so that we can stay away from being afraid of what may come next. you may be broken but you are not meant to stay that way. you are loved. by so many. love yourself too (i can imagine you again giving a rebuttal..oh shut up! this is MY blog. ahahaha). i have faith in you. detour lang ni, noi. i have faith you'll be able to get on that see-saw again in time. no swings. no monkey bars. no slides. no pcs. just that damn see-saw. a second chance at everything right. you deserve that.

i cannot wish for you to be a better dad because you already are the best dad these two boys can ever have.

(ang tatay nga taga mitsubishi)

and nothing or no one can ever take that away from you.

oh, and this is my favorite pic of you and toto.


stay strong noi. we already talked about a lot of things. you do not deserve the shitness. if i could take them away, i would. but i can't. ball's in your court now. make a decision and stick to it. act on it. you can't just sit idly and let life pass you by. you deserve to be happier/more contented. you know what i want for you. and from you. you promised me you'll work on it. in turn, i promised to trust you and your decisions. so don't you ever make me regret that promise lest you want your head to roll (insert evil laugh here).

you deserve the right kind of love. you deserve all the best because you are a good person. a wonderful one, in fact. YOU ARE. don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

happy father's day bf! *wink* hahaha

((huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuug))

lovelove much,

tata =)

and happy fathers' day to the other great men in your family

manong mark (wala gid kamo ya kinalis! i am glad i took that trip to nagsasa last month. manong, ka-cute sang kids mo. i wanna pinch the baby! can i? can i? hahaha)

manong ralph (nga indi pa kami friends. hehehehe)

and syempre
tatay ramon (gnshare mo na si nanay reg, pati si tatay sakop eh!)

i will always be praying for you. you can expect that lit candle every single day. thank you gid, noi. thank you is an understatement for a lot of....a looooooooooot.

so c'mon, let's join us, rainbow brite!

nan!!! ikaw na nagtudlo sa akon mag-inom pirme. hwahahahaha XD
(still finishing that nagsasa post but i can't pa gid ya. dammit)

last night

we attended a wine 101 thingy. so we started with


which turned out to be...
which later ended in

+ panic attack coz i wasn't able to breathe (which led me to the ER. thankful for doctor friends who shall remain anonymous coz they found my panic attack quite funny: "ay nanu, pharma ka tapos gapanic ka?! you should know better!" eyng. ako lang bala isa. iskeeeeeyrd!)

so much for wine-tasting.

another rant.

it's funny how you get a whole new perspective when someone tells you something you've thought of before and tried to forget already. a flood of thoughts come back and then you realize you were right all along. you just rationalized the shit off that something coz you didn't want to accept the truth. that you got duped. that somehow, you failed. and more importantly, that those people who kept nagging and bugging you about it were right all along.

i am sick and tired of making excuses for these "friends". i should have known all along. i should have listened to jac and manang din2 and manang zes. i thought i was also valued but it turned out i got played. in the worst case possible.

so now he's back. just. like. that. and now everyone's telling me i should just forgive and make things like they used to be? i forgave already. a long time ago. but i can't make things like what they used to be. i don't want to. that should not be my initiative. he can't even say hello to me yesterday.

i was hurt. i am hurt. i was a good friend. i covered up for him. for everything he asked me to. it's one thing to involve money but another to lie at my face. consistently. i covered for all the lies, thinking that indeed, tita had CA. or that the uncle died and so he must go and help with the family. or that he was left all alone because his family cannot accept his being gay. or that his brothers are such troublemakers. or that he is the only one his family can depend on. or that he is so kawawa because of this and that.

lies. all lies. to top it all off, he was blabbering not-so-good stuff about me all along. a lot of ugly untrue stuff.

everyone pitied him. i pitied him the most. i have a wonderful family and it made me sad that despite his intelligence and talent and being the department's "golden boy", his family cannot accept him. so i took it upon myself to be his "big sister". but it turned out i was just duped. i was used. and even the students were used.

i just can't be friends anymore. not yet, anyway. i need an explanation. and i won't badger him for that. it just pains me every time we're in the same vicinity because i want to hug him and punch him at the same time. and i am not like this. i am not a violent person. i would rather not be in the same room with him. but it can't happen. we have to work together. i cannot work with someone i do not trust. i don't even think i know him in the first place.

grabe. aga pa bala.
my mind is tired from all the rationalizing. my tear ducts are tired from all the crying.
i don't know how much more love my heart can lose. i am tired.

let me rant

i was out for just a day and this is what i come back to? i just wanted some time off. i never paid attention to the messages i got coz they were "generic" and i had something important to do, somewhere important to go to. and you do this? how dare you! you do not do this to my council. you do not threaten my students (ako lang makathreaten sa ila. hahaha).
be thankful i came from a happy occasion before i got to the meeting. otherwise, i could have bitten your heads off. i know what you did during your term. i was your adviser, remember? i was there for you. always. and you repay me by doing this to your successor? for what? kickback from some friggin' tshirts? bullshit.
do not, even for just a minute, think that you can do this behind my back. i always know.nothing gets by me. that's how much my students love me.
stay away, ass-wipes. i mean it.
you do not mess with me or my kids.

HJNTIY

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you, he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.

(looooooooooooooooooooooooong sigh)

yesterday

somehow it made me sad to realize that i only go to guimaras when i need to.

that needs to change.

tonight

it was around 1055 when cle and gra barged at my door, asking to take them to get some balut. i really didn't want to go coz my allergy's acting up and i have an appointment at 830 today (it's past 12 already) but after much convincing ("tata, mabalik na kami sa states in two days. hidlawanay naman ta ni. lakat na ta. cge na....tito rex hu....indi kami pag updan!), i hauled by sorry ass and drove them to get some balut.

but noooo....they had a different agenda.
cle: "wala pa ko bla nakapa-Luna's kahilidlaw man ila arroz caldo ba"
gra: "ti, lakat nlang ta bla. ari na man lang ta sa gwa. cge na ta...go. derechuha na lang"

and i was like...."haaaaaaaaaaay,,,indi manami!!"

so.....we got this...


the two know me so well so they got me this while they ate their arroz caldo.


after which i invited them to drop by the adoration chapel to say a lil prayer and light some candles


soon after (around 1230), we drove home and ate...

i was only able to finish one. each of them had three.THREE!!! manol much? hahahaha

so now it's 125am. they just went home leaving me here, trying to finish my nagsasa post. but somehow, i can't finish it. i am tired from my 5-hr straight lecture (10hrs at work in all) and i need to wake up early for that appointment.

good mornight, world!!!!

dear cake

I am so sorry I wasn't able to talk to you sooner. I went out of town and where I went, there was no cell service.
I know you are hurting right now. It is always hard to lose someone special, especially when after all you've been through, you realized that you were the only one loving sincerely. I've been there. It hurt so much.
But over time, the pain will lessen and then you'll be ready for love again.
Now let me share with you SOME traits of what would make a perfect man for me.
Look for someone who is also your best friend. Someone who you can have both serious and silly conversations with. Someone who will laugh WITH you and not AT you. Someone who shares some (surely not ALL) common interests with you. Someone you can agree to disagree with. Someone who you can even get drunk with. Someone you can share comfortable silence with. Someone who will hold you gently when you both sleep. Someone, who, when he holds your hand, you'll know everything will be fine. You'll know you'll never be alone.
I know those are difficult to find but but I believe you will get to know who that person is when the time is right. You will be led to him, and him, you.
As a wise man who reads this blog (let's call him tata vnoi. hahaha) told me yesterday: "maybe he took a wrong turn (in hiligaynon, "basi nagtalang lang sya"). maybe he took a turn and enjoyed a different scenery first. but he will come and he'll realize that the best scenery is with you".
I believe in second chances. So should you. You are a good person and you deserve better. The best, actually.
I'm here for you, ok? Never feel alone. ayan o, marami kaming nagmamahal sa 'yo.



((powerhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuug))

Love,
Ate

PS
Believe. Don’t settle. And in the meantime: become the person that the person you’re looking for is looking for.

so i went back to nagsasa and dropped by capones and anawangin

my maniniyot

his niyots


my view
iphone cam works good, too

have so much to write about. and a pending letter for my lil sister cake.