2016

taking stock

i have been telling myself that i need to take stock of what happened in 2016, seeing that the past days/weeks have been mostly frustrating, if not sad.

i entered 2016 with a lot of hope for the new year. now that it’s about to end, i I find difficulty in looking at the bright side because of the past months’ happenings.
So what happened in 2016?

We graduated. Oh, what a happy thing! I saw my dad beaming and all the trouble, all the money spent, everything was worth it with that happy/proud face of my dad.

I went abroad with my love. It was a first for us and it was all sorts of emotions. Truly, the best way of getting to know someone is to travel with them and live with them.

Brother embarked on his toughest challenge as of yet, and I cannot do anything to help him as he has to go through it on his own.

I celebrated 15 years in my job. The fifteen years flew so fast, I didn’t even realized them passing. I know now that what I am doing is my passion.

I got back to my previous post in the workplace. I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t want it. I was already contented with being a simple teacher, happy to be imparting my knowledge to the other loves of my life: my students. Going back to the post is one of the biggest reason why my year was tumultuous to say the least. I found out that my heroes were villains. I realized that not all those who smiled at me were my friends, nor those who promised to help me would keep their word. For the longest time, I was so sad in my job, i still even feel it now, because it seems as if the pillars holding my post were falling apart. I didn’t know who to look up to anymore. I cannot allow myself to fall apart because I have people counting on me to be strong. It was -IS still - very difficult, and my heart still has not recovered from it. I have a few more months in 2017 to finish what I started and my only hope is to go through this sane, and still hopeful.

Friends came and were gone. I lost some and others, i realized were not my friends after all. It is always painful to lose a friend, but more so when you hold these people close to your heart, and they turn out the opposite after all.

Family came home. We are still struggling with problems in the extended family and i know it will take years to fix them.

I have been writing this post for the past 4 days and re-reading it now made me see that everything was still negative.

So what am i thankful for?

I am thankful for my friends where i work in. They have evolved over the years from people i barely know to students i loved, to become my colleagues, and now to family. I know that without them, work would be a miserable experience this year. They keep me strong, they keep me sane.

I am thankful for the friends I have outside of my work. They, whose lives I live vicariously through. They, who people usually cannot believe I am friends with (I really wonder why).

One day, I will hold a big party and introduce everyone to each other. It will surely be fun! Lol.

I am thankful for my family. My dad, who can be difficult, but who never said “i told you so”. My brother, who is emotionally constipated (that’s according to him) but shows his love in his own ways. My extended family in both sides who are all ridden with their own problems, but who stick together and keep the family intact.

I have a lot of things planned for 2017. I had a lot of things planned for this year but didn’t pan out, so that will add up to the plans for 2017.

I want to be happy. Negativity got into me. I poured my heart and soul to things and persons who were not worth them.  I got lost this year. I want to find myself.

I want a lot. A LOT. I don’t know where to start.

Things I learned the past 2 months.

1. The people you admire and hold close to your heart are the same people who will break it.
2. No matter how good you are, you cannot do everything. You are just one person. You cannot do the jobs of 28 different individuals. Each one should pull some effort. And if they won't, maybe something should be done about it.
3. Nice is not always good. Nice sometimes sucks. Nice gets you abused.
4. Sleep, however, is very good. The kind that's more than eight hours, with no disruptions, and waking up to a brand new day knowing you have abso-fucking-lutely nothing to do. Of course, this kind of sleep never happens to you.

People broke my heart. Exhausted is an understatement for how I am feeling right now.

July and August

 The past two months were filled with activities that built (and still building) friendships and communities. It has been a lot of work, but when you love what you're doing, even the uber stressors can't bring you down!Plus, a lot of food don't hurt too! :)

another year, another dollar

I have been feeling really anxious lately and I realized I am about to turn another year older (and wiser? Lol).

I have a lot of "what ifs" and "Whys" and "Shoulda/coulds/woulda"s lately and I forgot about the good things that happened. I completely forgot about the challenges I overcame or the wonderful places I visited, and the amazing people I met along the way.

A year ago, I gave up something that everyone was telling me to keep. It was something that was no longer making me happy. It didn't take much to decide on saying no to that thing, it caused me sleepless nights and a lot of heartaches. Giving that up was the best decision i have made last year. It freed my heart of anger, of sadness, of anxiety.

People called me foolish. No. I was brave.

I turned 15 years in the academe. Wow. 15. Didn't even feel the years pass by.

I "let go" of my baby brother, when he moved away to study for his licensure exam. Well, i had to come with him and stay for two weeks first, but i let go. It was long time coming.

A year ago, I traveled abroad alone. After a 3 yr "travel abroad drought". It was exhilarating! I missed that feeling!

I also gave travelling abroad with someone a chance. It was a whole new different experience. I had to think of my travel buddy and compromise on itineraries. We had to make sure we agree where to eat, what to do, how much to spend.  I learned a lot. We both learned a lot from each other. It was another kind of happy.

So, Japan next, I guess!

A year ago, I traveled to many new places and met new people who taught me how to be braver, how to be wiser, how to enjoy life despite and in spite of challenges. I mat wonderful people who share my views, and some who didn't. BUT I learned from all of them, and it really is amazing how people are alike yet different at the same time.

I found out who my real friends are. I found people who believed in me and supported my decisions, and who stayed even if I was difficult to be with. I am glad and very thankful for these people who sat by me when I wanted to stay a little bit more in the dark.

A lot more happened and looking back, I have plenty to be grateful for.

I still have a lot that I want to happen, that I want to do and accomplish. But learning from last year, I will just have to take them one day at a time.

So, here's to another year, self! Let's make this awesome once more!

Lines

I heard mass yesterday. During the homily, the priest talked about lines. Lines that we draw that separate us from others. He said that we draw lines that separate us because of many reasons: our status in life, positions in office, etc. These lines divide and create confusions and problems.


"A line is a collection of points along a straight path that goes on and on in opposite directions. A line has no endpoints."
- Webster Dictionary


I thought about the homily and the lines I draw. The lines I drew. And why I drew them.

 I used not to. I was always the girl who wanted to belong, who wanted to make sure that everyone else do not feel left out. I just wanted everyone to get along.

But that led to hurt, frustration, even heartbreak. I was labeled "ksp". I was called a lot of things, and was made fun of.

So I drew lines. I continued to draw lines. The priest is right. It divides and causes problems. But lines also separate the people that matter from those that don't. Lines protect. Lines make my life a bit clearer. safer.

Do I want to take back the lines I drew? Some, maybe. And some, I would've drawn sooner than later.

Costa

I was in Manila a week ago and was looking for something new to try. So while going around the mall, I chanced by this:

Apparently, Costa is London's number 1 coffee chain. Costa Coffee has over 44 years of experience in handling the combination of Robusta and Arabica coffee beans known as Mocha Italia that keeps customers coming back.

                                            

Their prices are quite similar to the other coffee shops in malls, but their sandwiches were a few pesos more expensive. Since I had brunch before my trip to the mall, I wanted coffee.

I wanted to try the flat white, but it was a hot day so I ordered an Ice Shaken Latte. They had this shaker that made the drink cold from top to bottom of the cup, which I appreciated, seeing that other establishments just pour theirs over ice.

And the taste? Delicious!I think, though, that this isn't exactly going to be a favorite of most people since it was not sweet, but it was just the right blend of coffee and milk for me. 

So, would I want to come back to Costa Coffee? definitely. I still want to try their flat white, which I found out to be their best seller, and their sandwiches as well.

indulge me

One thing that pisses me off is when I get blamed for things that are not my doing. And today was one of those days.

I feel so out-of-control, and for someone like me who is a control freak (more posts on that soon), I surely felt like this:

I hate it that people can just shrug their shoulders and say "I can't do anything about it" when they can, or "I don't know if I could do that" when they could, or (the best thing i heard today) "I lost it. cant you do it again yourself?" when it is their responsibility.

Accountability. This is a big problem with people these days. So easy to just say they have nothing to it when they caused whatever it is in the first place.

Okay, so I am ranting. I just want to let my frustrations out. And I am pissed.

Bwas naman.

my 2015

The later part of 2014 had been hard (if not -est) for me. 2015 came in and the first quarter was a continuation of my difficult days. I stewed in the difficult-ness of it all. I was weak. I was miserable. It took a lot of time to pick myself up and piece myself back together. But I did. I still have low points at time but those days were a big learning experience for me.

I want to write a longer post about it so for now I would just like to share my happy days in 2015. Much as the year started out miserably for me, the year turned out alright. 

I am thankful for people who bring me light, who bring me joy. They are my heroes.

I am not the best person to give love advice but i think that in my not so many relationships (count:3), i have gathered enough experience - happy, heartbreaking, and everything in between -  to have a say in relationships.

Anyhoo, I chanced upon a book in my favorite store and this was what I saw:

12 Signs of Unavailable People from “The Ecstasy of Surrender.”

1. They are married or in a relationship with someone else.
2. They can’t commit to you or have feared commitment in past relationships.
3. They have one foot on the gas pedal, one foot on the brake.
4. They are emotionally distant, shut down, or can’t deal with conflict.
5. They’re mainly interested in sex, not relating emotionally or spiritually.
6. They are practicing alcoholics, sex addicts, or substance abusers.
7. They prefer long distance relationships, emails, texting, or don’t introduce you to their friends and family.
8. They are elusive, sneaky, frequently working or tired, and may disappear for periods.
9. They are seductive with you but make empty promises—their behavior and words don’t match.
10. They send mixed messages, flirt with others, or don’t give a straight answer—you’re always trying to “de-code” what they really mean.
11. They’re narcissistic, only consider themselves, not your needs.
12. They throw you emotional crumbs or enticing hints of their potential to be loving, then withdraw.


Whoa. A lot of the past came back to me and thinking back now, I see  where I made my mistakes. I think that no matter how hard we try, no matter how much we want - or think we need - someone, some stories just don't have a happy ending.