today

"I think you should pray for what your heart desires. Ask God. There is nothing wrong with asking for what you want. It's about time you pray for yourself. " - DK

Earlier, over magnificent tears, I finally prayed for what I was afraid to pray for. I have this tendency, during my quiet time alone with God, to ask for many things.. things I have every confidence in Him to deliver. Healing for friends, what's best for loved ones, protection for family, provision for all, etcetera.

And then when it comes to me, I generally just say things like, “if it’s Your will..” blahblahblah. I never get into specifics and I’ve always known why. I can't bring myself to ask for what I want. I have always had doubts that He will give me the desires of my heart because a part of me (still) doesn’t think I deserve it.

That changed today. Today, I shamelessly wept at His feet and poured out all the contents of my battered mind and my scared worry-ful heart. All that was missing was me beating my chest for emphasis. But I did it. Finally. And it was like someone finally opening a window in an attic that’s forever been kept in the dark. All this mustiness seeped out of me and I could finally breathe.

So it’s out.

I’m now beginning to learn how to pray for myself. That’s a victory in and of itself, yes?