Pretty vs Beautiful

The quarantine enabled me to have some time to watch (and rewatch) series.

One of those i watched was Glee and in this particular episode Coach Beiste was asked out by Cougar, the football agent. She thought it was a joke and she roared with anger as she replied:

“But I’m not a pretty girl. I don’t have the kind of face that a pretty girl has.”

to which Cougar replied:

“Well, that’s good because I don’t date girls. I date women. Beautiful women, like you.”

This got me thinking.

Ever since I was a little girl, I really haven't felt pretty enough. I've always felt unnoticed. I've always felt that I do not have my friends' "effortless good looks".I've always felt that I was not deserving of that word. 

And then I realized I don't want to be pretty anymore. I want to be beautiful. I want to possess something that lasts, even if all the pretty is beaten out of me. Beautiful has sturdy roots that run deep into the earth, building the tallest, strongest trees. I want people to smile when they look at me, with or without my lipstick on, because they associate me with something more than can be seen. I want to be beautiful and I think that I could be. I think – somewhere deep down – that I am.

I'm back (sort of)

someone asked me if i would like to delete past memories...

And have them repeat again in some form or other? No, thanks. I’d rather keep both eyes, ears open. Whole heart and spirit vulnerable and sensitive, able to look back at what was, celebrate what was wonderful, learn from the terrible and hopefully become wiser for tomorrow and present for today. I don’t want to pretend none of it happened. The battle scars can’t be denied after all. But no one has the right to make me suffer for them.

No one, not even myself.

I have a project planned, as requested by some people. Oh, i don't know if I can do this. But let's see. WIsh me luck, friends!

Back!

The last two (three?) years went by in a blur. I was feeling all sorts of feelings, traveling for work, traveling to get away, accepting everything at work just to get busy, trying to make sense of where I was and what I want that I forgot about this blog. I have some scribbles in my phone and in my journals, but even those were all done in a hurry.

I tried writing again, and told myself I'll put them here, but....yeah. Things happened. I kinda lost me.

I was trying to do a lot of work because I honestly didn't know what to make of my life. All that I know is my job, and I even feel I'm not exceptionally good at it. I've had big and small victories, but even those victories seemed shallow.  I will write something about the last 2 years eventually, but I feel as if I have not really moved forward.

And now that I am about to turn another year older, I'm scared. I have never been this scared before. I am anxious of what lies ahead. I used to see my future clearly painted, I prayed that I be given the grace of that future I so soooo want, but the past years have taught me that really, my future is uncertain. It is not completely under control.

For now, I have decided to write again. I will take small steps, one post at a time.  And hopefully, all will be well.

2016

taking stock

i have been telling myself that i need to take stock of what happened in 2016, seeing that the past days/weeks have been mostly frustrating, if not sad.

i entered 2016 with a lot of hope for the new year. now that it’s about to end, i I find difficulty in looking at the bright side because of the past months’ happenings.
So what happened in 2016?

We graduated. Oh, what a happy thing! I saw my dad beaming and all the trouble, all the money spent, everything was worth it with that happy/proud face of my dad.

I went abroad with my love. It was a first for us and it was all sorts of emotions. Truly, the best way of getting to know someone is to travel with them and live with them.

Brother embarked on his toughest challenge as of yet, and I cannot do anything to help him as he has to go through it on his own.

I celebrated 15 years in my job. The fifteen years flew so fast, I didn’t even realized them passing. I know now that what I am doing is my passion.

I got back to my previous post in the workplace. I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t want it. I was already contented with being a simple teacher, happy to be imparting my knowledge to the other loves of my life: my students. Going back to the post is one of the biggest reason why my year was tumultuous to say the least. I found out that my heroes were villains. I realized that not all those who smiled at me were my friends, nor those who promised to help me would keep their word. For the longest time, I was so sad in my job, i still even feel it now, because it seems as if the pillars holding my post were falling apart. I didn’t know who to look up to anymore. I cannot allow myself to fall apart because I have people counting on me to be strong. It was -IS still - very difficult, and my heart still has not recovered from it. I have a few more months in 2017 to finish what I started and my only hope is to go through this sane, and still hopeful.

Friends came and were gone. I lost some and others, i realized were not my friends after all. It is always painful to lose a friend, but more so when you hold these people close to your heart, and they turn out the opposite after all.

Family came home. We are still struggling with problems in the extended family and i know it will take years to fix them.

I have been writing this post for the past 4 days and re-reading it now made me see that everything was still negative.

So what am i thankful for?

I am thankful for my friends where i work in. They have evolved over the years from people i barely know to students i loved, to become my colleagues, and now to family. I know that without them, work would be a miserable experience this year. They keep me strong, they keep me sane.

I am thankful for the friends I have outside of my work. They, whose lives I live vicariously through. They, who people usually cannot believe I am friends with (I really wonder why).

One day, I will hold a big party and introduce everyone to each other. It will surely be fun! Lol.

I am thankful for my family. My dad, who can be difficult, but who never said “i told you so”. My brother, who is emotionally constipated (that’s according to him) but shows his love in his own ways. My extended family in both sides who are all ridden with their own problems, but who stick together and keep the family intact.

I have a lot of things planned for 2017. I had a lot of things planned for this year but didn’t pan out, so that will add up to the plans for 2017.

I want to be happy. Negativity got into me. I poured my heart and soul to things and persons who were not worth them.  I got lost this year. I want to find myself.

I want a lot. A LOT. I don’t know where to start.

Things I learned the past 2 months.

1. The people you admire and hold close to your heart are the same people who will break it.
2. No matter how good you are, you cannot do everything. You are just one person. You cannot do the jobs of 28 different individuals. Each one should pull some effort. And if they won't, maybe something should be done about it.
3. Nice is not always good. Nice sometimes sucks. Nice gets you abused.
4. Sleep, however, is very good. The kind that's more than eight hours, with no disruptions, and waking up to a brand new day knowing you have abso-fucking-lutely nothing to do. Of course, this kind of sleep never happens to you.

People broke my heart. Exhausted is an understatement for how I am feeling right now.

July and August

 The past two months were filled with activities that built (and still building) friendships and communities. It has been a lot of work, but when you love what you're doing, even the uber stressors can't bring you down!Plus, a lot of food don't hurt too! :)

another year, another dollar

I have been feeling really anxious lately and I realized I am about to turn another year older (and wiser? Lol).

I have a lot of "what ifs" and "Whys" and "Shoulda/coulds/woulda"s lately and I forgot about the good things that happened. I completely forgot about the challenges I overcame or the wonderful places I visited, and the amazing people I met along the way.

A year ago, I gave up something that everyone was telling me to keep. It was something that was no longer making me happy. It didn't take much to decide on saying no to that thing, it caused me sleepless nights and a lot of heartaches. Giving that up was the best decision i have made last year. It freed my heart of anger, of sadness, of anxiety.

People called me foolish. No. I was brave.

I turned 15 years in the academe. Wow. 15. Didn't even feel the years pass by.

I "let go" of my baby brother, when he moved away to study for his licensure exam. Well, i had to come with him and stay for two weeks first, but i let go. It was long time coming.

A year ago, I traveled abroad alone. After a 3 yr "travel abroad drought". It was exhilarating! I missed that feeling!

I also gave travelling abroad with someone a chance. It was a whole new different experience. I had to think of my travel buddy and compromise on itineraries. We had to make sure we agree where to eat, what to do, how much to spend.  I learned a lot. We both learned a lot from each other. It was another kind of happy.

So, Japan next, I guess!

A year ago, I traveled to many new places and met new people who taught me how to be braver, how to be wiser, how to enjoy life despite and in spite of challenges. I mat wonderful people who share my views, and some who didn't. BUT I learned from all of them, and it really is amazing how people are alike yet different at the same time.

I found out who my real friends are. I found people who believed in me and supported my decisions, and who stayed even if I was difficult to be with. I am glad and very thankful for these people who sat by me when I wanted to stay a little bit more in the dark.

A lot more happened and looking back, I have plenty to be grateful for.

I still have a lot that I want to happen, that I want to do and accomplish. But learning from last year, I will just have to take them one day at a time.

So, here's to another year, self! Let's make this awesome once more!

Lines

I heard mass yesterday. During the homily, the priest talked about lines. Lines that we draw that separate us from others. He said that we draw lines that separate us because of many reasons: our status in life, positions in office, etc. These lines divide and create confusions and problems.


"A line is a collection of points along a straight path that goes on and on in opposite directions. A line has no endpoints."
- Webster Dictionary


I thought about the homily and the lines I draw. The lines I drew. And why I drew them.

 I used not to. I was always the girl who wanted to belong, who wanted to make sure that everyone else do not feel left out. I just wanted everyone to get along.

But that led to hurt, frustration, even heartbreak. I was labeled "ksp". I was called a lot of things, and was made fun of.

So I drew lines. I continued to draw lines. The priest is right. It divides and causes problems. But lines also separate the people that matter from those that don't. Lines protect. Lines make my life a bit clearer. safer.

Do I want to take back the lines I drew? Some, maybe. And some, I would've drawn sooner than later.

Costa

I was in Manila a week ago and was looking for something new to try. So while going around the mall, I chanced by this:

Apparently, Costa is London's number 1 coffee chain. Costa Coffee has over 44 years of experience in handling the combination of Robusta and Arabica coffee beans known as Mocha Italia that keeps customers coming back.

                                            

Their prices are quite similar to the other coffee shops in malls, but their sandwiches were a few pesos more expensive. Since I had brunch before my trip to the mall, I wanted coffee.

I wanted to try the flat white, but it was a hot day so I ordered an Ice Shaken Latte. They had this shaker that made the drink cold from top to bottom of the cup, which I appreciated, seeing that other establishments just pour theirs over ice.

And the taste? Delicious!I think, though, that this isn't exactly going to be a favorite of most people since it was not sweet, but it was just the right blend of coffee and milk for me. 

So, would I want to come back to Costa Coffee? definitely. I still want to try their flat white, which I found out to be their best seller, and their sandwiches as well.

indulge me

One thing that pisses me off is when I get blamed for things that are not my doing. And today was one of those days.

I feel so out-of-control, and for someone like me who is a control freak (more posts on that soon), I surely felt like this:

I hate it that people can just shrug their shoulders and say "I can't do anything about it" when they can, or "I don't know if I could do that" when they could, or (the best thing i heard today) "I lost it. cant you do it again yourself?" when it is their responsibility.

Accountability. This is a big problem with people these days. So easy to just say they have nothing to it when they caused whatever it is in the first place.

Okay, so I am ranting. I just want to let my frustrations out. And I am pissed.

Bwas naman.

my 2015

The later part of 2014 had been hard (if not -est) for me. 2015 came in and the first quarter was a continuation of my difficult days. I stewed in the difficult-ness of it all. I was weak. I was miserable. It took a lot of time to pick myself up and piece myself back together. But I did. I still have low points at time but those days were a big learning experience for me.

I want to write a longer post about it so for now I would just like to share my happy days in 2015. Much as the year started out miserably for me, the year turned out alright. 

I am thankful for people who bring me light, who bring me joy. They are my heroes.

I am not the best person to give love advice but i think that in my not so many relationships (count:3), i have gathered enough experience - happy, heartbreaking, and everything in between -  to have a say in relationships.

Anyhoo, I chanced upon a book in my favorite store and this was what I saw:

12 Signs of Unavailable People from “The Ecstasy of Surrender.”

1. They are married or in a relationship with someone else.
2. They can’t commit to you or have feared commitment in past relationships.
3. They have one foot on the gas pedal, one foot on the brake.
4. They are emotionally distant, shut down, or can’t deal with conflict.
5. They’re mainly interested in sex, not relating emotionally or spiritually.
6. They are practicing alcoholics, sex addicts, or substance abusers.
7. They prefer long distance relationships, emails, texting, or don’t introduce you to their friends and family.
8. They are elusive, sneaky, frequently working or tired, and may disappear for periods.
9. They are seductive with you but make empty promises—their behavior and words don’t match.
10. They send mixed messages, flirt with others, or don’t give a straight answer—you’re always trying to “de-code” what they really mean.
11. They’re narcissistic, only consider themselves, not your needs.
12. They throw you emotional crumbs or enticing hints of their potential to be loving, then withdraw.


Whoa. A lot of the past came back to me and thinking back now, I see  where I made my mistakes. I think that no matter how hard we try, no matter how much we want - or think we need - someone, some stories just don't have a happy ending.

hiatus

I have stopped writing since august 2014. It’s not that I had nothing to write. It’s that I had nothing good to write. I felt as if my world was being torn apart. Things that happened along the way made me question my values, my principles, and the people around me.
I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. But I have a set of principles that I stand by and things happening in my life made me question these principles; made me look into who I really am, what I really want, what I am willing to sacrifice.
I got lost. Am still lost-ish.
I have never felt so small – so uncapable – in my life. Everything I do, it’s just not enough. It’s always not enough. I was told that I do not do my job well, that I always leave problems behind, that I am not a good worker.
I was asked to agree to dealings that are against my principles, and when I said no, I was told that I am not doing a good job.
I was told I was not enough.
I was made to feel I will never be enough.

It was  a miserable time for me.

But now, I am picking up the pieces together. This will take a lot of time, I know, but I will write again.

i never liked lies. and now you're asking me again to continue the lying for you. for what, my career? my position?

no.

not anymore.

i can step down anytime and leave everything behind.

i am here because of the people i work with who i love and cherish. who are my friends.

but if push comes to shove......i now am sure of what i will do.

To my dear Muslim friends

 and thank you for this holiday. it has been such as long time since i just chill-ed at home, and spent 13 hours sleeping!

my mid year report

Yesterday, while driving to a friend's house, i suddenly realized "OMG! It's July!". i know, silly me. But it did seemed as if time just flew by!

While driving home, i thought about what happened in the past months and decided on writing something about it. Hence, my midyear report:

January had my friends go back to their homes abroad. It was quite busy at work.


February was a busy month. It was a month of celebrations. We celebrated our secretary's 30th year in service and we also had the first birthday celebration of my godson, raz.

The student publication of our College also won as best publication in the University for the second year. It is indeed another celebration of blessings in the form of my students.

The highlight of my February, though, is another celebration: Valentines day. I watched Wicked for the first time! It was absolutely amazing! And to watch it with someone you love, even more  wonderful!

March had me so busy in school, actually forgot what happened. Lol.


April had me celebrating birthdays and milestones.

However, with all the partying, i also got myself hurt. So I had to stay put during the holy week. 

After which i went to attend our national convention in Davao. Not my first time there, but it was my first time to experience durian shake/ice cream, eden park and some more.

May had me back in school to prepare for the opening of the new academic year. We however were able to get some time to visit and organize a medical outreach in one of the typhoon stricken areas in our region.

June was a month of firsts for me. It was the first month of school. It was the first time i really really reeeeeeaaaaally got pissed at some people. It was the first time I felt so much hurt and pain for having been betrayed.

It was the first time I won't be having two of my friends with me at work. Our gang just got "minus-ed" and honestly, saying goodbye is something I am not good at.

However, I see the world in the bright side...hence, i will focus more on the happier first I experienced: my first mass independence day yoga. at a mall. (thank you sir R for the pics from your friend)

  

I had fun. I learned. I learned mostly about myself. And I am grateful.

Indeed, I am grateful for the past six months. I cried, I got pissed, I got my heart broken. But I am still here. Fighting. Learning. 

Here's to our half-year, friends! May we all have happier Junes - Decembers!

white coat sabado

praying for you

for us

How great would it be if we could speak our minds?

Exactly what we think when we think them? To be brave to just blurt it out with as little care as we take when we have those thoughts?

It would hurt, I'm sure. But all these people that are so easily offended would learn to toughen up eventually, right? We’d all learn to be more tolerant, if not totally understanding. And, really, isn’t courage to handle the truth, to dole it out and accept it, too.. isn’t this the better thing anyway?

Oh, but no. Instead we are polite or silent and backstab people in our minds and among our friends. We judge because we’re judged, we attack because we’re attacked. And we become less and less human and more and more cruel. Bridges get burnt. Hearts get broken. Lives let down. Hurt people hurt people constantly and effectively. 

I think we should all just stop doing that.

i wanna eat here!