so this is how it feels

your heart beats really fast. your head starts to ache. you realized you're shaking.

suddenly, everything got blurry. everything. they all started to appear wobbly. you try to be strong. you tell yourself you have to get through the day and deal with it away from everyone. but you know you just can't. it's paralyzing.

then all the fears rushed in. and you question yourself. you question everything. maybe you see some things you haven't seen before, and no matter how you try to reason things out (excuses schmexcuses; you know you want actions/results, not excuses), no matter how much you try to be okay...you just can't. and you know you won't be for some time.

and just before leaving school, you meet one last guest - the eighth (8....funny how the universe throws shit at you) today - who started to unfairly lash out at you for reasons you know are valid (not that it's your fault)...and then the tears started coming, alarming even the person talking shit to you.

so you lie to the guest you sympathize with her dilemma and you promised you will work on her request and you know you will tomorrow because you need to get yourself sooooooooooooooo busy to numb the hurt.

and you cry while driving and you stop the tears so the people you visit won't see. and then you cry again while driving home.

and now that you're home, you still can't stop the tears. you get scared again. you feel all sorts of feelings, but mostly, you feel sorry for yourself.

stop world. please let me get off.