goodbyes

my aunt died last week. this morning, she was laid to rest. one of her friends gave a touching eulogy about how my aunt, despite her being sick and battling cancer for 22 years, was a blessing for their group of friends, and that despite their not seeing each other for almost 6 years, she was always remembered and kept close to their hearts.

i've been thinking about the people in my life. people who have been in it for a long time and people who i just met. people who left. people who are still here. i think about how they are playing their own roles in my life. how they played their roles in my life.

i have a problem with saying goodbye, whether i made the decision to leave or they did.

I read this in thought catalog: Saying goodbye is most difficult when there is a part of you which believes it is only a “see you later.” You would never fully admit it, but you intend on seeing them again. You count on them making certain changes — changes that you know in your heart are in their best interest — and coming back to you a new person, ready to accept and give the love you so desire. We construct entire imaginary people who will return to our lives, people who borrow lightly on the qualities we know they actually have and fill in the blanks with a million hopeful improvements. They will be better, they will be stronger, and yet they will still retain all of the things we cherry-picked when we loved them....Sometimes, though, you have to say goodbye....Sometimes we wish it would be a “see you later,” but are relieved to find that it was really a “goodbye.”

honestly, i am scared because some people in my life right now are just perfect for me. but they might leave. they might be lessons and not blessings like what i want them to be.