word number 3

i really didn't like this word but last night, while talking to two of my dearest friends, i came to a conclusion that this word should be on my list.

the word is betrayal.

wikipedia says,

"betrayal is the violation of an expressed or perceived trust by a person or persons with whom a person relies upon for some aspect of his or her life"

and according to this site, betrayal is

a. to give or information to an enemy of

b. to deliver into the hands of an enemy in violation of a trust or allegiance

c. to be false or disloyal to

d. to divulge in a breach of confidence

e. to make known unintentionally

f. to reveal against one's desire or will

g. to lead astray; deceive

i was going either with lies, cheating, backstabbing but it just seemed wrong.

so i think the word is just apt coz it encompasses all those other words.

i don't like being lied to.

big or small, lies are still lies.

i don't like being cheated on as well.

these are acts of betrayal against my trust.

and whenever my trust is broken, it's difficult for me to have that person back in my life.

i am the type of person who gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. my mom always told me that "everyone has goodness in them". i always try to look for that goodness, hence, accdg to my friend zsa, i "crap positivity and rainbows and sunshine and good vibes"

this year had me looking for that goodness in people.

but you see, sometimes i just can't find it.

i don't understand why these people lied to me. some even right in my face.

i don't understand why i got cheated on, when all i did was give my best.

i don't understand why people can't just speak the truth.

after all, the truth could never be hidden.

and when it comes out, relationships get broken.

this year, i questioned myself a lot. i double-checked a lot. i got disappointed a lot.

this year i learned that no matter how much i love the people in my life, i cannot stop them from betraying me. i cannot stop them from hurting me. i can't stop them from disappointing me. i can't even stop them from doing it again.

it made me so hurt and so scared that i nearly gave up.

and i got the same thing this week. i trusted and i fell flat on my face.

betrayal. it makes me scared. i really don't know who to trust anymore.

it's another word that i need to conquer.