birthday 2012

  

  

 

 

my birthday started a few days back. i gave up my favorite pair of raybans for something i was looking forward to for such a long time but didn't push through. it was hard at first and heartbreaking, really, but i an feeling better now. anyways the "where" is not as important as the "who" accdg to one very smart person and i agree. and i got a lot of realizations and memories in exchange. i know i will want that cancelled thing to push through one day but i can wait. more important things need to be done with.

right now, i am thankful for another year. i am looking forward to many more - much much more - happy memories and plans and hopes and dreams that will come true.

A year today.

 A higher power was looking out for me when it gave me this one.

Thank you, God. It was unexpected but it was more than I ever hoped for.

Now let's get over that hump.

i'm waving the white flag.

why does it look so bleak?

it still hurts. still thinking about the Fr. C's words: "not give up" yet "give it up". i thought i can fight for it. i thought i can prove it wrong. i wanted it. but i was not able to make it happen. i wanna be okay but know it will take some time for me to be fully that.

right now, i just want this

please please please let me have a wonderfully amazing happy-ful, memories-filled love-ful pre-birthday vacation.

aga pa sa chapel

"maybe you can "can't give up" on a dream/on someone but still "give up" on some factors about it because that's the best thing to do for you and maybe not even for you but for the other person" - Fr. C

i was warned this will happen. i was told i will get my heart broken and i will be hurt but i told myself i will fight for this. i will prove it to be wrong because i have all the reasons why this will have to push through.

sakit gyapon. sakit-sakit gid ya.

so this is how it feels

your heart beats really fast. your head starts to ache. you realized you're shaking.

suddenly, everything got blurry. everything. they all started to appear wobbly. you try to be strong. you tell yourself you have to get through the day and deal with it away from everyone. but you know you just can't. it's paralyzing.

then all the fears rushed in. and you question yourself. you question everything. maybe you see some things you haven't seen before, and no matter how you try to reason things out (excuses schmexcuses; you know you want actions/results, not excuses), no matter how much you try to be okay...you just can't. and you know you won't be for some time.

and just before leaving school, you meet one last guest - the eighth (8....funny how the universe throws shit at you) today - who started to unfairly lash out at you for reasons you know are valid (not that it's your fault)...and then the tears started coming, alarming even the person talking shit to you.

so you lie to the guest you sympathize with her dilemma and you promised you will work on her request and you know you will tomorrow because you need to get yourself sooooooooooooooo busy to numb the hurt.

and you cry while driving and you stop the tears so the people you visit won't see. and then you cry again while driving home.

and now that you're home, you still can't stop the tears. you get scared again. you feel all sorts of feelings, but mostly, you feel sorry for yourself.

stop world. please let me get off.

i want!!!

so near yet so far....yet again

the past days have been so heavy on my heart. i was told i might not get this but i prayed so hard it would be wrong. after all, plans are set and leaves have been filed (or so i thought).
and i am so set and so excited this is finally coming.
and then.....(insert long sigh here)

earlier this afternoon, tita W, shared with me this photo



i still feel sad. i feel bad. and to top it all off, i feel sorry for myself (something that i really try not to let happen coz this means i am at my lowest of lows). i am not okay.

getting myself ready for the news tomorrow.

goodnight friends.