Tuesday, July 31, 2012

i miss someone who doesn't miss me back =(

and it's the first of august in a few minutes. something really special (for me at least)

Monday, July 30, 2012

ako na ang pirme gakabayaan
ang wala ginasapak
ang wala apin
ang gakasakitan
ako na lang pirme pirde
ang ulihi
ang indi palangga

ako na
huo na ah

Sunday, July 29, 2012

please let this pass soon

‎"Everyone you meet brings illumination in your life -- even those who have brought you pain. That candle is harder to find when you are hurting, but once you discover the lessons they have taught you, it might just be the most brilliant light you need to illuminate the rest of your journey."

"Everything will be alright. It may seem dark at the moment, but don't lose hope. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, keep moving and you'll get there. God won't abandon you; let God be your light. It may take some time, but in the end, everything will be alright."
- from my yoga teacher

it's amazing how you can be giddy and positively positive one day and then your world turns a complete 360 the next. i know i can get too sensitive but not this time. it's just too frustrating and disappointing. and i feel so alone

it's just not okay.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Thursday, July 26, 2012

stop world. i want to get off.

the past days have been so tiring - mentally, emotionally, physically (with some threats to boot! and bad bad nightmares.). the physical i can handle but the metal and emotional things are just draining me of everything.

and the person i want to talk to most is not even here for me.

i feel un-missable.
so unimportant.

i feel so unloved.

maybe i really am.

Monday, July 23, 2012

before i say goodnight

When God Writes Your Love Story (and Other Adventures)
....It can be pretty darn amazing. Or so I heard this morning from two people, obviously very in love  and of reminiscing with two couple friends of mine over ym, both couples celebrating their wedding annivs today  and proof of the belief that God’s timing is always good, pleasing and perfect. 
We can’t out-imagine God—and THAT is a huge comfort.
So forgive me if I sound cheesy today. I have been so stressed out lately and my emotions have been wacky too. today, despite some very hurtful words from three very close friends (and i know they mean well and want only whats best for me and know my situation will get better soon-est), I can’t help but feel encouraged, excited and expectant… God is a God of surprises (my life since last year a very biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig proof of that) and I wonder what else He’s got up His sleeve.
goodnight, friends! don't forget to pray before going to bed!

hello there!

please both be mine

Sunday, July 22, 2012

"One of the noblest words in our language is "grace," defined as "unearned blessing." We live by grace far more than by anything else." - priest's sermon today

Today I found some answers to questions I didn't know I've been asking for quite some time now.

Saturday, July 21, 2012


 …I run, sometimes I hide  there’s so much I want to say that I don’t end up saying anything at all. (And this happens often…) I type furiously away committing feelings to screen. I look at it, attempt to tweak. But after minutes of snipping and skimming, ditch the whole thing and delete in blocks. I used to do this with pen and paper as well. Which might explain why when I’m at a bookstore, I make sure I check out the notebooks/pens/papers section.

Most of the time I worry that what I’ve written will hurt someone or reveal too much (it always does, anyway.) I think by doing this, I’ve betrayed the one thing that has been consistent in my life since I knew how to string sentences together.

I have to stop doing that.

Friday, July 20, 2012

salamat, P!

Ladies, how do we measure a man
Do we have a checklist we tick off and scratch
With every little thing he does
And every little thing he can’t
Do we judge the timbre of his voice
And read between the lines
Do we look at what he’s become
Plus all his dreams combined
Do we feign disinterest
And show him we don’t care
Or do we throw ourselves at him
Wide open, willing to share
Do we judge him by his gentleness
And how he respects others
Or do we prefer him rough
And think tough might be better
Do we play games with him
The classic one of push and pull
Do we hide and seek
Trade roles on who will pursue
Ladies, here’s the thing so listen up
We may have been hurt many times
But that’s no reason to give up
The very basic road to happiness
Is not littered with potholes and detours
Your happy ever after can’t come
If you aren’t certain and you aren’t sure
All you ever really need to know
Is how a good man looks like
And I may not know a lot of things
But I know what that is like
A good man is someone has faith
A good man is someone who has a pure heart
Someone devoted and loyal
And won’t sway at every bend
Someone who can make you laugh
Until your insides and your spirits soar
Someone who can sit with you in silence
Nothing less, nothing more
Don’t be distracted by flowery words
Listen instead for the truth
He will be someone you can rely on
Someone who is steadfast, strong and true
He will want what you want
And do all he can to make you happy
But he will know when to say no
Especially when you’re just being silly
Above all (and this is the most important thing)
A good man is a brave man
He will not be afraid to go after you
Until the deal is done
He will not stop until you and him
Are made joyfully into a we
He will not stop until he can declare
That he wants to be with you for all eternity
So don’t waste your time, ladies
With all these men who pretend to be good
Maybe it’s time to not settle
And finally to do what you should
And that is to wait, wait, wait
Wait as long as you have to
Wait as long as it takes
Wait until a good man finds you
And not because you looked for him
But because you are right where you are
Doing what you’re doing
Helping yourself raise the bar
Focus on you and do what you want
Go after your own big dreams
And do all you can to make them come true
And even when you think it seems
He’s never going to come
It’s taking too long and more than you can bear
He might be on his way to you
Ready to give and ready to share
He might even be under your nose
Right where you refuse to look
A good man might be right beside you
You just have to wake up and be shook
And maybe then, maybe then
Just like in the movies with a promise of forever
You will be with your good man
Happily ever after

--> another nice email i got from a close friend

i know i've found my man.
i wish you find yours too =)

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

i. can't. wait.

You build up all these walls around so you can protect yourself from harm, and then someone comes along and tears them away and then....

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

My Tuesday Prayer before I sleep

 Dear God, 

I thank You for the blessings I’ve received thus far.  But there is that one thing I’ve been praying for (for a long time now actually.) And I know I’m supposed to trust in Your timing and everything (and I do!!!) But it’d be great if this could just speed up a little faster now. My sanity depends on it.

Yun lang pow. In Jesus’ name.



I sometimes wish I were stronger. Better. Faster. Smarter. The world tells us this being weak thing ain’t a good thing. But, I don’t know… I think I’m beginning to realize more and more that before it gets better, it has to get worse. So, no. I don’t enjoy being beaten and thrown and pruned and offended and attacked and feeling all shitty-shitness. But I welcome these moments because I know they’re not going to last and that things are going to get much, much better soon. I have faith in that.

Monday, July 16, 2012


miss seeing your name when a new text message comes.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

the past days have been worry-full







i am just glad to be home now
all is still not well but i am hopeful i will get better. 

tomorrow, it's back to school for me and another trip to the doctor after a week or two.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012


Today, it was waking up to a good lunch, despite only having had three hours of sleep. Over 1.5 hours of painful introspection with a dear friend, I’ve begun the painful but necessary process of figuring out what this is all about. Yummy tapa, black coffee with a side order of revelations.

today it's getting to school safely, despite the brake malfunction in my car (and me plowing through the mini-island near an elementary school). it's hearing nice, sincere words from people who believe in me despite all the troubles that's been coming my way. it's seeing and being with dear dear people who i miss terribly. 
it's chatting with the person i love most. 
it's thinking about a happy future that will come really soon. 

Monday, July 9, 2012

a rant before i sleep

When someone says they want closure, I realized they don’t really mean they’re ready to face the end. When someone wants to end something, they usually just do it. Without fanfare, without declarations, without a need to make a big deal of it.

If you're done, you're done.

So be done.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

the midyear report

it's amazing how time flies. i remember writing this last year and feeling all sorts of stuff. the past year had been extraordinary to say the least and now, lemmetell you what i've been though for the first half of the year:

the year started really good with loved ones and prayers

in feb, i finally was able to see our place.

and i love it!
we were also able to visit the old folks at asilo and went mangrove planting at banate

in March:
pulag, finally!

luz-vi-min family reunion
and our first ever white coat ceremony (achieve!)  

The first week of April had us celebrating a very special birthday

and the following weeks: a homecoming, plus my godson's elementary graduation

it also brought me to Cebu

(doing some thinking at Bigby's while waiting for my dates)

and back to more home-cooked meals and happy memories

May had us travelling back home for lola's funeral, and another set of medical mission
and dropped by my students' internship in Cebu while meeting some old friends 

and back again to my other home for more home-cooked meals and more happy memories.

the last days of May were spent with the clan for some birthdays and my mom's memorial

June was the start of another chapter in my career.I really don't think of it as an achievement - even if people tell me it is - but rather a challenge for me to make some changes where I am.
June also was spent with family at the farm.

Sifting through the many pics I was able to take the past six months made me realize a lot of things. I was even amazed at how much was done in a short span of time. There were milestones, there were difficulties but the happy memories far make up for the troubles that came along the way. 

I am glad to have started and ended the first six (and started the next six months) with the person I love most. I know there will be more work to be done these next months, maybe even more decisions to make, situations to face, but I look forward to making more happy memories and strengthening bonds as the days go by. 

Let's get it on, second half of 2012!

drained is an understatement

my day started with a mass at 630 in the morning and then the freshmen parents' orientation at at 8am. the open forum was exhausting! i was expecting some of the questions but there were a lot that i did not anticipate.over all, though, it was good for a first ever parents' orientation. 

in the afternoon, I rushed to molo church to attend two good friends' wedding. The church was lovely! there was not too many flowers but they made bamboo "grow" inside the church!

here's the very excited and happy groom

and our lovely bride with tito and tita
(yeah...i cried....)

and their very nice vintage car!

Fr. Celis wed them and this was what he had to say during his very brief sermon: 
"True love easily brings families together. Anything less than that is a false union. Love never destroys. It builds. True love strengthens. It makes everything possible. It makes everything worthwhile." 

I wasn't able to go to the reception because I had to go back to school. I wanted to catch up with them for dinner but I remembered I promised my "kids" I'm gonna drop by their gathering so I skipped the reception (the wedding was more important imho anyways), fetched and brought lil brother with me to hang out with these wonderful youngsters.

this saturday was just soooo tiring. physically. mentally and mostly, emotionally (i cried during the wedding march and cried some more during the sermon and still more when they said their vows...and more pa gid while driving back to work...i realized i wanna have MY wedding too)

and to end my day, little brother treated me to my favorite coffee and macaroon combo while we catched up with each others' lives...and no crying this time:

today, i am thankful for signs and support and little brothers who certainly know how to end my day right.

goodnight and sleep well, friends!

Friday, July 6, 2012

first friday

Sometimes I get scared and I doubt things going on in my life. My cousin told me that I should be thankful for these things....and I am - really really am, but maybe because I've been burned before that every time something goes right and I feel so happy, I get scared that it might be taken away from me. I honestly can't afford to have my heart broken again. I know that's stupid because I should have just kept my walls up, hid behind those walls and locked myself up but it's too late now. I made a decision, never will regret it. And I am liking where I am and where I am going (hopefully sooooooooooon).
Right now I am happy. Right now I find myself wanting something so much that it scares me I can't even breath at times.
Early today I went to church to light my daily candles and to go to mass seeing that it's the first Friday of the month. Today was St. Maria Goretti's feast day. Maria Goretti is an Italian Saint whose power of forgiveness and purity is a model for all young people.  The priest's sermon was about love and acceptance. He said something like:
"Love is a feeling transpired from the heart. Love cannot be thoroughly describe nor can it be defined by anyone. Not even the most intelligent or the wisest people can tell you what love is for love is something you need to experience yourself to know exactly how it feels. You need to experience the swelling of your heart when you see that other person. You need to experience the butterflies inside.
Love is about acceptance and therefore, the person who loves you most should accept you for who you are. However, love is also about compromise, which means you wont mind changing for a better self in order to coexist in a relationship. Love, real love, really is all about compromising and meeting the other person half-way. Its a lot easier to do for the sake of someone who means the world to you."

I've always said that there are no coincidences and today's sermon was another proof of that. I was thinking twice about not going to that early mass because I had something else to do but I decided to go because it felt right and the sermon was what I needed. it eased my worries a bit.

Today I am thankful for my happiness and everything that goes with it. I pray this happiness will be something that will really last.

Thursday, July 5, 2012


People are never who we think they are. They’re selfish. They lie. They change their mind. They will not pull through when you need them.

But guess what, you’re no better. I’m just as bad, too. So do we stop caring? Write them off? Burn bridges?

That’s one way to live. And the way of love is infinitely harder. But we do it anyway despite the disappointments, the hurts, the pain. Because people shouldn’t be disposable.

There is always much to gain when we think we have all to lose.  Always.