it does mean a lot if you're away from each other for too long a time :(

Happy Birthday Tatay!

overheard this afternoon while dad was talking to a friend at his bday party:

friend: you've retired, made a big difference at work, helped a lot of people, gotten healthier, have responsible grown-up kids. those are accomplishments. so what more can you ask for your birthday?

dad: nothing more for me. what i wish for is to see my kids really happy. my girl to finally get what heart desires, my boy to find his passion. grandkids would be great too. *at this point he sees me* ok. the grandkids can wait until my kids are married *flashes me his death glare*.

my dad is the funniest!

today was a loooong day

it started with taking lil mikee to get herself enrolled. it took the whole morning!

mikee happy she finally has her RF. we had lunch at JD, a resto I missed while I was away =)

next was a trip to visit and deliver some goodies for the old folks at Asilo de Molo. there was a group of students who were visiting too so we weren't able to get much time with the lolos and lolas.

next up was a tour of the "old" city while looking for some stuff we need tomorrow.

this is the old movie house where we used to go to

we ended our walking tour with some milk tea at moonleaf.

and when we got home, we did this

i'm poofed! and to top it all off, i sprained my ankle. our laundrywoman did this:

let's hope it gets better tomorrow.

tomorrow's gonna be another long day for sure!

"Hope. That’s all anyone ever talked about on the convoy, especially as we got closer. Hope, hope, hope.


All this hope, and here I was, right at the very edge of it, looking out into the darkness, the first to see it coming, the first to greet it when we found out what it really looked like.


But what if? ‘Is it because hope is scary?’ my father asked. I looked back at him, startled. ‘You think so, too?’ He smiled, full of love.


‘Hope is terrifying, Viola,’ he said. ‘No one wants to admit it, but it is.’ I feel my eyes go wet again.


‘Then how can you stand it? How can you bear even thinking it? It feels so dangerous, like you’ll be punished for even thinking you deserved it.’


He touched my arm, just lightly. ‘Because, Viola, life is so much more terrifying without it.’"

(excerpt from Patrick Ness’ The New World)

alone

Alone is a word that I have been comfortable with the past three years or so. I know I have a lot of friends but I keep to myself. I would rather have them talk about themselves and give them my two cents. There are only a few people who I get to confide with and I’m okay with that. I have my journal and this blog as outlets for my ramblings.

Being alone taught me to be tough. I used to think that I always needed someone by my side but the past years made me realize that I can be okay just by my lonesome. I was able to build walls around me, shoving my heart in a box and shutting it out from the world. I still cared about people and stuff. I still cried a lot. But I was careful not to let someone be special enough to break those walls or make me want to take my heart out of the box.

Not until last year. Suddenly my walls started to fall. My heart wanted out. I tried so hard to keep the walls up and my heart away. I tried my darndest to be rational about everything but it was no use. I dunno why but all my efforts were futile.

SO I gave in. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made but there are still times when I question myself if am worthy of what I have now, if we can make it right.  I still spend sleepless nights wondering if this will last.

Being alone made me tough, made me okay to be just by myself. I have always been proud of myself for being an independent woman. Girl power. I can do stuff on my own. I can be by myself and still have a wonderful time.

And now it scares me that I have grown accustomed to have someone. Every day, every time something happens to me, there is this one person I wanna share it first with. I think of the things that happened and the things that will happen – things we’ll be doing, the places we’ll go to. I make possible plans for us and can’t wait to ask him about his opinion. I think about our future together.

It makes me warm and fuzzy.

But I’m scared. One day he might not be there anymore.

I remember what a friend told me a few weeks ago, while I was anxiously waiting for my MRI session at the hospital. He asked me why he was there and not this person. I answered “because as much as I really want him to be here, I’m scared I might get used to wanting him by my side always. I don’t want to allow myself to be weak. I was okay being alone and it scares me that I might (and I’m pretty sure I will) expect him to be there always and I’ll get disappointed.” To which my friend answered “You took a big risk the moment you let him get to you.  You just can't share the happy things.  You have to share the scary and the bad stuff too. You can’t always be strong. You can’t keep everything in. You have to let yourself be weak sometimes and you have to let him be there coz I’m sure he wants to be there for you the same way you’re there for him. You are not alone anymore and I’m sure he’ll never want you to feel alone. Isn’t that what you told our friend last year? Easier said than done, huh?”

I’ll be going home in a few hours. We will be away from each other for some months and needless to say it pains me knowing he wouldn’t be by my side. I know he will always be the first person I’d think of whenever something happens or whenever there’s something I wanna talk about. I will certainly miss having him around – our silly talks, even our comfortable silences.

The other day I was watching the new Sherlock Holmes series (which is fantastic btw, you should give it a shot) and Sherlock said “Alone is what I have. Alone is what protects me”. Then Watson answered “Alone doesn’t protect you. Friends protect people”.

Alone. It was my word for quite some time but I’m letting it go now. 


Life's better when there's a special someone to share everything with.

I'm taking a shot at being okay with not being alone.

it's amazing how God sends people my way. people, who unexpectedly, give me insights and help me think about where i'm headed. i know what i want but it's not just up to me. and because of that, it scares the heck out of me.
i am thankful that despite the frustrations and the doubts and the tiredness, i still have plenty to be thankful for.
i am still scared - even more scared but i know i'm on the right path.

i just really need a big hug right now.

i was fortunate to attend the mass of a newly ordained priest this morning and he shared with us his experience that led him to being a priest. it took him twenty years to be ordained because he had a lot of humps along the way. he shared that there was one time when he felt like giving up, even take up his life because he was losing hope and losing faith. but then he realized that he was not ready for that. he was scared to die because he wasn't able to make his dream of serving others by being a priest a reality yet. so he fought his demons and his fears and he found people to support him and pray for him and he prayed and prayed too that until just last week, he was able to make his dream a reality.

i have a dream, myself. this dream may not even be that which others would expect from me. this dream isn't just about me. and i want it so bad that it scares me. it scares me that it might not come true. 

hearing the priest's story gave me hope that i might be able to make my dream a reality. 

so i will fight my fears and my demons. and i will pray. and pray. and pray some more until my dream becomes a reality.

another kumod

People don’t know how to apologize. Thing is, if you’ve decided in your head to say sorry, just say it. No need for excuses—excuses just hollow out apologies. They make them empty and meaningless and stupid.

super moon

When I admire the wonders of a sunset or the beauty of the moon, my soul expands in the worship of the creator. - Mohandas Gandhi

a late post

April 29, 2012

Songs, movies, poems, novels, blogs–a lot of these were inspired by love. A lot of these are about love. Some sing about being in love. Others write about the struggle of moving on. Other aspects include being frustrated because they can’t find anyone, unrequited love, missing someone so bad, etc etc. So many different stories of so many different people.  All, nonetheless, fall under love.

My priest friends say love is about giving yourself, sacrificing, selflessness blah blah, but when you think about it, love is probably the most selfish thing ever. We want someone to spend our lives with. We want to do things for them, and have things done for us. We want attention. We want to be appreciated.  Goddanggit, we want to be listened to. We want to be someone s/he can be proud of.
We want love. We need love.

What I learned these past months is that love is just love. You made a decision to love and you really can’t stop it. So you just love. You can never expect anything from the other person because no matter how much you love, no matter how badly you want things to be lovey-dovey, no matter how much you want a lot, you can never force someone to love you back. Or if that other person does love you back, you can never force him/her to love you the way you want to be loved. You can suggest, you can hint, but eventually the decision is up to the other person.

And how do you feel about that? You feel bad, you feel sad. You feel unwanted, unappreciated, not being listened to. You cry yourself to sleep. You feel that you are just an option, you are dispensable. And yet you can’t take that out on the other person because it was you who decided to love him/her. YOU who gave your heart and who took the leap. So what now? You get scared because things are not going your way. You get scared because no matter how much you shake it, you still feel dispensable, an option and not really a priority. You get more scared because you feel that you might not get what you want.

So what can you do? You cherish the amazingly good times – whether it’s something fancy or it’s just you and him/her beside each other, holding each other, talking about your future (or maybe laughing at your “blonde moments”). You make memories as much as you can. And take lots of pictures so you can have something to look back on.

You pray so hard for that other person to be safe and in good health always. You hope that the other person loves you as much and that s/he does not forget to do what you agreed on to make your relationship work. You hope and have faith that s/he is heading to the same direction as you. You have faith that things will fall into their proper places soon.

And the best thing to do?  You just love. And love some more. And continue to love. Without expecting anything in return (so hard to do).  You just love because you’re great at it. Because it’s the only thing you can do.

Just love.
Undeniably
Unavoidably
Inevitably
Everything boils down to love.

from my journal

i was reading my last year's journal when i saw this email from a friend in the states (i printed it out and glued it to my journal):

"Today, as I was driving, I had this realization: after a month, I can now manage to move around not needing the GPS that much anymore. I thought, the people who we look up to and go to in times of need are like the GPS. They guide us the best they could but we always have the choice to take their advice or not.  And after sometime, when we become better at what we do, they don't have to be there as much as they used or to be as involved but it wouldn't hurt to have them around.
I think GPS is one of man's greatest inventions and I couldn't be more grateful for all the "GPS" in my life ! ;) "

i have my own set of GPS myself and i must admit that until now, i still turn to them once in a while for guidance. the choice may always be ours to make but we know that these people will always have our best intentions at heart.