2012

“You must remember, family is often born of blood, but it doesn't depend on blood. Nor is it exclusive of friendship. Family members can be your best friends, you know. And best friends, whether or not they are related to you, can be your family.” 

― Trenton Lee Stewart, The Mysterious Benedict Society

FAMILY.

that's the word i can most relate my 2012 with.

i love my biological one but this year had me figure out who really count.

“Strangers are just family you have yet to come to know.” 

― Mitch Albom

it's amazing how strangers have become my close friends and how, in just a short while, i have become "family" to some of them. i am thankful for people who have accepted me as family despite some circumstances. truly, their love is something i will be forever grateful for.

“There will be times when I will say and do things to/for you that you will not like, more so, hate. That is what it means to be family.” 

i heard this a lot this year - from my dad, from relatives, from close friends - and i understand why hurtful things need to be said. to be done. and yes, it's heartbreaking at times and at my low points, i tend to question myself, but i understand them and they understand me and my stubbornness.

i know things will fall into their proper places. i have faith in that happening. soon.

"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life."

family. i have my biological one and i have the people i've decided to keep in my life. there are not so many of them but they sure made my 2012 amazing.

 

one year

i can clearly remember things and conversations that happened a year ago and i am amazed at how much a lot has changed. 

perceptions. 

opinions. 

feelings. 

i am amazed at how people have changed 

i am amazed at how much I have changed despite still having my fears and worries.

it's crazy. really.

today

I woke up with this:

"We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude. Good morning ma'am! I thank God for sending you to our lives. Merry Christmas!" - sms from a student


I took much time thinking about this year. Myself. Everything that led me here. That led me to the NOW. Suddenly, things are not as arbitrary as they once seemed. I’m not saying the loose ends have been tied up or that the story has been resolved. I know that’s not how this thing, life, works. But there are details that make better sense now in light of where we’re standing.

2012 was a constant up and down of things, and as I looked back, I realized that there was plenty to be grateful for.

2012 is a year of

family. it's very rare we can get together complete. this year, we were able to do that a lot of times.

the chance to help others, and sharing this chance to help with my students and friends. this will will always be a part of my every year.

"firsts" in our University. and hopefully, more to follow in 2013

travel and new experiences. i know i will always want more of this.

weddings. i attended quite a lot this year.

babies!!!!!

 

 2012 brought me more often to the hospital and to the ER, too

 

...but it made me realize that no matter how busy i can get, i need to look after my well-being too

 2012 was for quality time with my near and dear.

 

Most of all, in 2012, there was an abundance of good people. People, who, without them, I would not be able to accomplish the many things our department was credited for. People who helped me get through all the difficulties i encountered. and people who shared with me my happy moments.

This gratitude list barely even scratches the surface, but as we go on through this day, may we always see how plenty there really is to be grateful for.

Smile. Let's rock the last days of 2012.

Merry Christmas!!!

these past days have been quite difficult.
expectations, indeed, can break one's heart.

i am set on being christmas-y the next days. this is my favorite season and this season isn't about me in the first place.

It was much too fast to really notice but not fast enough to not see.

I promised myself I will just finish my exams and make sure I change my mindset. Christmas is in the air and i just feel so un-jolly. Everything's getting blurry. and hurtful. and disappointing. and frustrating. and i feel so scared. it's just sad.

I need to get out of this rut.

i'm just tired of getting hurt, taken for granted and all that shiz

i can't let the pain go.
the hurt from everyone.

i feel so alone.

i feel that i will never - no matter how much i want things - get what i want.

i feel so low. so hopeless.

i don't like it at all

dec 16

it's the start of another nine-day novena before christmas. i wanted to write about something else but today, it's all about the simbang gabi.

friends have been asking me why i do this. simple: i love doing it. it has been a tradition in our family. my mom used to sing with the choir at Jaro cathedral, esp during my tito berting's time as archbishop. 

also, it is when i make prayer intentions for others. and just last year, for myself too.

this year i am praying for the people i love. i am offering my novena for them. and this time, i have this one big thing i want so much. i have been praying for this since the year started. it is a part two of what i prayed for (and what an answer i got!) last year. 

here's to the next eight days. may we, who started the simbang gabi, make it to the end of this novena.

goodnight friends!

nagsasa in three different trips

looked the same but the stories we can tell about these three trips!! 

amazing how one year can change a lot of things

December 8

About 3 years ago, in this same date, i received right-in-your-face answers to my prayers.
earlier today, i went to church and prayed for myself and for others. i prayed, asked for some "things" i really really really want.
during the sermon, the priest said something that i feel was part of an answer to one of them.
just a few minutes ago, i got an answer to one of my prayers.
i still have about three weeks. i know that's quite a short time. but i believe in miracles. i have faith that what is best for me and my loved ones will be given.

...and now i'm off to the airport.

December

i was all set to whine tonight but then there are a lot of things these past two weeks that i should be thankful for and happy about. like

 

thoughtful friends who sent some of my favorite stuff 

new babies in the barkada (that's little Grum-grum)

some girl bonding with my ffai  - complete with tears and laughter and what-nots

(and yes, i will talk about this soon)

and lastly,

time with my boys. it was short but i really did enjoy it and i hope for more in the near future.

i know i have been so scared and fearful and doubtful the majority of this year. i have my reasons, believe me. i wanna let those reasons go and focus on the happy thoughts but every time i expect something - every time i put my faith on promises made - my heart gets crushed and i feel all sorts of disappointments and sadness and sometimes despair. and then lots and lots of tears. i said and have been saying my prayers every day and i can only hope that I will be given what i want- what my heart really really truly wants.

it's December 5th. Christmas-time. I haven't even started on my own Christmas gifts. I already bought everyone theirs but as of the moment, none for me. i don't even know what I want - well, I do but that's a different story (and i wantwantwantwaaaaaaaaaant it so bad i'm scared i won't have it).

it's time to enjoy the season and the last days of this rollercoaster year.

swak

...because these thoughts haunt me. i try so hard to keep them away but they keep on nagging me. 

i am scared. it's been over a year but why is the fear still there?

 

attended my little sister's school activity this morning. it was in my mom's school and i had lots of memories of that place. then i had lunch with a friend. so many things we discussed, so many things she shared. and then i shared some too. well, mostly i shared my fears.  it's scary to want something so bad knowing that i am not the only one involved in that something. tomorrow i'm gonna find out if one of my biggest fears will come to an end. i prayed for it. whatever happens, i'm ready.

 

 

 

 

saturday

saw an old close friend today.

i called his name and said hi, gave him my biggest smile - my hey-it's-been-two-years-since-that-day-we-got-screwed-by-her-and-i-wanna-be-friends-with-you-again smile (with matching wave pa).

he just nodded.
wow. that hurt.

i should have known better than to expect a "hey, wanna have coffee and catch up with each other?/"wanna hang out?". i should have just pretended i didn't see my friend. but then again, i always thought that true friendships can overcome hurts, especially those not caused by either one of the parties.

people can really be hurtful.and no matter how hard i try to not get affected, i can't. i feel the pain. (and those that hurt most are from that person you give your whole heart to)
and sometimes, i wonder if i will stop hurting. if i will get what i want. if things will really really be okay.

 

hoooooooookey ah

happy thought for this stress-full day

 it's that time of the year again to start wrapping gifts!! i haven't started yet but i look forward to it. i can't wait to see my loved ones faces when they open their gifts! wheeee!

too pissed and too tired.

bwas, matapos ko gd ni ang gusto ko ipost.

people. reasons.

had a difficult troubled weekend and this was posted on my wall by a very good friend earlier this afternoon. i was having a mini-breakdown when he saw me online and we started talking. he's telling me how i changed his life  and though i am flattered, i am not taking credit for it. we talked for quite some time and then i decided to take the post off my wall coz it made me cry.

i've been crying a lot these days...no, months. i've never cried so much and i know it's because i also have never wanted anything so much in my life. it's too near yet too far.

anyhoo, driving back home, i thought about the people i met and just met and re-met. i can guess the reasons why i met some of them but somehow i can't see why others are in my life or have been in my life. and then there are a  very select few who i am sure of why they were sent my way.

when i got home, i looked through my albums. i see these people. some left. some outgrew our friendship. others i didn't see for a long time came back. a few stuck til this day.
and one who i never thought could be the reason why i can't wait for my life's chapter to change soon.

people. reasons.
the universe really works in mysterious ways.


 

...because I spent my weekend being sick

  "It's not enough to believe!" Sadie's voice is suddenly passionate, almost savage. "Don't you see that, you stupid girl?  You could spend your whole life hoping and believing! If a love affair is one-sided, then it's only ever a question, never an answer. You can't live your life waiting for an answer."

-----

- loooooooooooooooooong sigh -

please tell me the hoping and believing are not in vain. that everything will be put in their rightful places soon-est. hambal gani ni annie lennox sa iya kanta (nga gnakanta mo man kg pirme gatukar sa balay) "i don't wanna wait in vain for you love"