But 2011 really belongs in a league of its own. 2011 cannot be neatly contained. Too much happened to most people i know and on a personal note, too much happened to me.
I finally finished my masters, wrote more, got confused a lot, traveled, faced some of my fears, got to know family better, met amazing people and cried as I burned bridges. I lost a lot (nagpahabol pa ang favorite shirt ko just today. maaaaaaan, i love that perfect white shirt!) but I gained much too. I also gave myself the chance to be happy again, even though it still makes me so scared most of the time.
I cannot think of a word for all of that.
i already wrote about the four words that describe my 2011: risk. fear. betrayal. loss.
And so I need a word - just one - to connect everything, to make you see how much this year meant to me; how personal 2011 is to my heart.
My brother gave me this: GROWTH.
i guess he's right. he told me this a few months ago: "i've never seen you evolved like you did this year. you were able to make ends meet. you were able to stand up for yourself, albeit not all the time but you took baby steps. you made big decisions. you grew up fast this year compared to all the other years before. it took some great losses but as what our parents taught us, with every loss comes a bigger gain."
and gained, i did. not so, materially (i didn't really get anything for myself this christmas but i have lots of happy moments and happy thoughts which mattered more) but this year made me get to know myself a little better. There were mornings when I could already foresee my heart breaking for the rest of the day, maybe even for a few more days. There were sleepless nights spent worrying, over-analyzing, crying. The ugly messy stuff were all necessary to jumpstart a new life, a better one.
I am leaving this year with a few beautiful scars. In Chris Cleave’s Little Bee, here’s something he said:
“I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived.”
I still have a long way to go but I've come to realize that this year helped me become a better me.
We’re all living different stories and we’re all walking through different seasons. And whether we’re taking over the world or taking time off, it’s good to remember that wherever we are is exactly where we’re supposed to be.
Here's to a wonderful ending of 2011 and as 2012 approaches, I pray and hope that this year will be the start of what's best for you and your loved ones.