Monday, October 31, 2011


last year, my october was filled with lots of fun.

this year's october had me feeling a lot. it was a rollercoaster much like my august.

i made a huge decision this month.

i faced my fear of heights.

i faced a part of my past and conquered it.

i traveled and learned a lot.

i got hurt. i got disappointed.

i got super happy and yet i got scared.

a lot of questions popped at me, and what scares me is that the answers are not entirely up to me.

october had me bank on faith. faith in myself. faith in my decisions. faith in the person involved with my decisions.

november's coming in a few minutes.
this november, i plan to be a happy bunny. i dunno if i can do that because i am such a worry wart and i can see a lot of things coming my way re:work, social obligations,etc BUT i will try.

i need help but i will try.

november, please be my friend.

sweet dreams

"But I have seen the best of you and the worst of you and I choose both. I want to share ever single one of your sunshines and save some for later. I will tuck them into my pockets so I can give them back to you when the rains fall hard. I want to be the mirror that reminds you to love yourself. I want to be the air in your lungs to remind you to breathe easy. When the walls come down, when the thunder rumbles, when nobody else is home, hold my hand and I promise I won’t let go."

from the poem The Origin Story by Sarah Kay

Sunday, October 30, 2011

word number 3

i really didn't like this word but last night, while talking to two of my dearest friends, i came to a conclusion that this word should be on my list.

the word is betrayal.

wikipedia says,

"betrayal is the violation of an expressed or perceived trust by a person or persons with whom a person relies upon for some aspect of his or her life"

and according to this site, betrayal is

a. to give or information to an enemy of
b. to deliver into the hands of an enemy in violation of a trust or allegiance
c. to be false or disloyal to
d. to divulge in a breach of confidence
e. to make known unintentionally
f. to reveal against one's desire or will
g. to lead astray; deceive

i was going either with lies, cheating, backstabbing but it just seemed wrong.

so i think the word is just apt coz it encompasses all those other words.

i don't like being lied to.
big or small, lies are still lies.
i don't like being cheated on as well.
these are acts of betrayal against my trust.

and whenever my trust is broken, it's difficult for me to have that person back in my life.

i am the type of person who gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. my mom always told me that "everyone has goodness in them". i always try to look for that goodness, hence, accdg to my friend zsa, i "crap positivity and rainbows and sunshine and good vibes"

this year had me looking for that goodness in people.
but you see, sometimes i just can't find it.

i don't understand why these people lied to me. some even right in my face.
i don't understand why i got cheated on, when all i did was give my best.
i don't understand why people can't just speak the truth.

after all, the truth could never be hidden.
and when it comes out, relationships get broken.

this year, i questioned myself a lot. i double-checked a lot. i got disappointed a lot.
this year i learned that no matter how much i love the people in my life, i cannot stop them from betraying me. i cannot stop them from hurting me. i can't stop them from disappointing me. i can't even stop them from doing it again.

it made me so hurt and so scared that i nearly gave up.

and i got the same thing this week. i trusted and i fell flat on my face.

betrayal. it makes me scared. i really don't know who to trust anymore.

it's another word that i need to conquer.

it's 4am and i can't sleep

i can get myself busy the whole day but it's times like these when my body wants to rest but my heart and my mind are too noisy that i have no choice but to listen to them.

right now this is what they're telling me about my fears:

god i hope they're right.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

People always think that when you sleep together, there’s always something that is happening in between the sheets and the bed. But let me tell you, It’s not always like that. The feeling of actually hugging each other until you fall asleep, the warmth of each others' breath, hearing your hearts beating, and the total happiness in the morning when you wake up right beside them. Everything may sound so good to be true, but sometimes it takes a lot of responsibility and love to be able to be as wholesome as possible. Sleeping with your special someone is one of the most heartwarming experiences you’ll ever have. No nothing, simply hugging and smiling yourself to sleep.
And wishing you'd have each other forever.

and then i saw this in one of my favortie tumblrs:

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The tip of his nose, my shoulder...

i miss that.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

my day just did not end well.

have you ever had something/someone you liked - even loved - so much that even if it/she/he disappoints you, you still can't let it go?

have you ever had something/someone that/who you know you no longer liked/loved but you just won't let go of? have you ever held on that something/someone because you think/feel that it's/she's/he's the only one you got? that nothing better might come after it/her/him?

have you ever set "deadlines" on something/someone, only to find yourself readjusting that deadline over and over again?

i have. and now i think it's about time i let go. it's about time i set the real deadline. to take a risk, a leap of faith.

my mom used to tell me "there are no coincidences. everything happens for a reason" and i believe her.

so maybe the reason why these things are happening at this point in my life is for me to give up and let go. to set a final deadline.

i just realized that i am a very stubborn girl. over the years, i set and reset deadlines on persons, on things who/that disappoint me and hurt me over and over again.

why? because i want to prove myself wrong. i want to prove myself that i am doing the right thing. because i always hope that those things/people will change. i also wanted to prove others that.
and also because i fear the unknown. i fear the change. i fear that i will fail. i fear getting hurt.

don't get me wrong. i believe and know i am a strong person (even if i cry a lot) but there are just times when i want someone to tell me everything's gonna be alright. that i will never be alone. that even if i will fail, that person still has my back. that i am loved.

i fear. that word again.

i guess i just need to be a little braver.
i guess i need to get myself ready.

para sa OMC-ers

i wanted to use english films but the persons involved like these more. ahahahaha.

in an ideal world, we all end up with that person who knows everything about us, who's always there at the times we need someone, who has seen us at our worst and loves us anyway.

in an ideal world, we end up with our best friend.

but sometimes, the feeling is one-sided. sometimes, all you'll ever be and will be best at are just being best friends.
“Oh yes, kaibigan mo ako. Kaibigan mo lang ako... And I'm so stupid to make the biggest mistake of falling in love with my best friend.”- Jolina Magdangal, Labs Kita… Okay Ka Lang? (1998)
("oh yes, i am your friend. just your friend... And I'm so stupid to make the biggest mistake of falling in love with my best friend.")

and sometimes things happen that make even the best of friends become strangers.

Syinota mo ako eh, syinota mo ang best friend mo!”- Kim Chiu, Paano na Kaya (2010) ("you made your best friend your girlfriend!")

“She loved me at my worst. You had me at my best, but binalewala mo lang ang lahat(you took it all for granted)… And you chose to break my heart.”- John Lloyd Cruz, One More Chance (2007)
-->of course i had to include this! hahaha

and sometimes it does not end up well because people tend to mistake NEED for LOVE, and that's just not fair. the thought of losing someone does not mean you really-reaaaally love that someone. love is love, period. loving someone because you need that someone - to be a shoulder to cry on, to help pay the bills, to make that person buy you stuff, etc - isn't really love. it's called "using" that someone. sooner or later, that someone will come to the truth and that will surely not end up good (tama ba, ejboy? hahahaha).

Mahal mo ba ako dahil kailangan mo ako, o kailangan mo ako kaya mahal mo ako?”- Claudine Barretto, Milan (2004) ( "do you love me because you need me or do you need me because you love me?")

i guess taking that leap from best friends to a romantic relationship is a very big risk people take. it's something that's very difficult to undo. once the road is taken, there's just no easy way back.

i always believe that friendship is the strongest foundation of a relationship but the risk is so big that you really have to be sure it's what you want. and trust me, you really have to pray about taking that risk.

falling in love with your best friend and having your best friend feel the same way is an amazing, wonderful thing.

so..... good luck. think long and hard. and pray. God will give you your answers in due time


eeva, i know you're reading this. tama naman di ba? hahaha =)

Thursday, October 20, 2011

word number 2

i already talked about my first word for 2011. now let me tell you about my second word: LOSS.

this year had me losing things (my phone and my money among others) and people (some are in heaven now, some i decided to lose, some decided to just cut off our ties) and with each loss, it felt like a punch in the face and i was left to stare blankly at it in bewilderment.

Loss puts me in an undesirable position: a vulnerable one.
With each loss, questions like these pop in my head:
why me?
why that?
didn't our friendship count?
will i be losing more?
how long will this "malas" last?

i chanced upon a blog that spoke of a principle of loss stating that "no matter who you are, at some points in your life, you WILL lose something of great value and worth to you. it is inevitable".

So i thought about that and then i realized that sometimes, loss is necessary. True, I lost a lot but in as much as it hurt so bad and i almost gave up on myself (i realized that this year had me blaming and second-guessing myself a lot), I realized that the even greater party known as Life was still on-going and I did not want to miss out on what could be for what once was.

Losing - things, but most especially people - scares me (my word number 1 is just so powerful. i need better resolve to overcome it) but then again, I guess loss shows us what truly matters, what is essential once we’ve been stripped bare, and in that truth there is healing, peace and most wonderfully, new beginnings.

I remember a priest friend telling me this when I told him about losing my money and one of my good friends: "God will never give you something you can't bear. I hope your loss will not stop you from living in the present. You still have so much to be thankful for. It's normal to get hurt but I am sure something better will happen to you.Losing something or someone allows you to change - stronger, angrier, bitter, better. It's up to you. Have faith because God will replace your loss with greater things. You will see in time that with loss comes love."

Loss. It sucks. I am still not good at dealing with it but with the losses I've had, I realized and have proven this to be true: Loss gives us something better than we expected to have.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

my words for 2011: word number 1

i was inspired by the post of one of the blogs i follow. in it she had words that describe her year so far.

i have a lot of choices for my 2011 but let me just tackle my first word: FEAR.

wikipedia says "Fear is a distressing negative sensation induced by a perceived threat. "

i think it has to deal with my being burned in the past. true, there were definitely happy days but the end was heartbreaking that after those times, i silently tucked my heart away, keeping it far from anything or anyone that would break it again.

and i have been very successful at it.

wikipedia adds.."Worth noting is that fear almost always relates to future events, but fear can also be an instant reaction to something presently happening."

so i went along, a happy single bunny. it would be hypocritical for me to say that i don't wanna have my person, my very own someone because i really do, but i was scared that my possible someone might end up just like those wrong ones.

i was scared to open my heart to anyone (cue in ♫ ♪ ♪ ♫"everlasting love"♫ ♪ ♪ ♫ of the company) coz the times i did, it just broke into a million bazillion pieces and picking up the pieces was very difficult/time consuming.

i was successful keeping my heart until this year. my heart is happy that it scares the crap out of me. i fear a lot. i fear that i might not be good enough. that it might not be real...real. that this might just be one-sided. i dunno how to remedy this. i dunno where to start. i don't even know if this is gonna last coz this isn't just up to me but i truly am happy right now and for that, i am just thankful.

another reason why fear is one of my words for 2011 is that i felt restless this year but i still went along with the flow because i was afraid of doing something different, something that might not end up right.

fear. it cripples. i am feeling it for quite some time now and i am really praying i could get rid of this fear i'm feeling. i am praying for answers. solutions. decisions.

while thinking about what to write tonight, i checked my twitter and these two caught my attention:

"Life is too short. Live without rules, love without fear, laugh everyday, and don't ever forget about the ones that mean the most to you."

and Paolo Coehlo tweeted "The light of love flows out of our soul, but often it goes nowhere because it's blocked by fear"

so fear is my first word for 2011. it's not a really good word but it brings so much to it.

there are still a few months before 2011 ends so i am praying and hoping that when i get to write my "year in review" post, this word is something that i was able to overcome.

help me pray, will you?

Sunday, October 16, 2011

this night i went out with my friend zsa and her hubby, dan. after dinner, we were joined by their friends gle and his wife judith, and j. J told us we'll be celebrating his being a free man - his annulment papers finally arrived and so he wants to share this good news with us.

while celebrating, we mulled over his story and then we shared each others' stories. what was common among most of us was the feeling of being neglected, of being taken for granted. of being a doormat.

have you ever felt like a doormat?

then zsa said that she never felt like one coz we all have the keys to ourselves, to our lives. we just have to be brave to look for them

deep inside we all have and know the right solution to our lives ....the keys .. we just have to learn to listen and look for them.

i saw these photos from the garden of thoughts in fb a lil while ago and thought how apt. so i am sharing them with you who chances upon my humble blog.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

and now for some happy thoughts (for me)

so i guess i'm not doing such a bad job, after all.

Friday, October 14, 2011

a friend posted that pic on my wall earlier today. he said he saw my post here last night and he wanted to say something about it.

i am so scared because i have really never felt this happy. i want this to last. i want this to work. but i am afraid that it might just be me wanting this, so much.

like i said in a previous post, someone told me that we really do not know if the decisions we make are the right ones. that every decision we make entails taking a risk.

i took a risk and never did i or will i regret it. it made me happy. it makes me happy.

help. hurt. leave. love.
whatever it may be, i'm ready.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

what do you do if that one thing that makes you so happy is the same thing that scares you so much?

what do you do if the source of your strength is your weakness at the same time?

what do you do if the one thing you're sure of suddenly triggered a lot of questions?

i am so scared.

Monday, October 10, 2011

let's do this!!!

kadamo pa talapuson!!!

will post something better later...or tomorrow...or the day after.
for now, it's me and my papers, plus a bottle of wine ;-)

Sunday, October 9, 2011

what a week!

october's going by so fast!

october 1 was a saturday. i was away from home. earlier that day i made a decision that's gonna play a big part in how and where i am headed. i am happy about my decision but it also scares the shiz out of me - i battle with my fears about this not working out almost every freakin' day but this is something i have faith in. it's something new and yet it's as comfortable as my favorite shirt. i don't think i've ever made a decision that made me this happy.
i finally met a very special kid on the second of october. i have known him since he was a baby but we really have not had the chance to meet in person. i look forward to more moments with him and maybe even becoming his friend.
i went back home the same day, super early at the airport only to be told my flight was delayed. i was also looking forward to someone picking me up when i landed but something went wrong so i took a cab home.
the third til the seventh had me very busy in school due to the final exams but it didn't end there. i had meeting and social obligations to attend to as well.
saturday was for our medical mission and though it was very tiring, i was glad we were able to serve almost 400 patients at our adopted barangay in leganes. and i even had a happy surprise - my highschool classmate was one of our volunteer doctors so i was able to catch up with my classmate over lunch.
today, aside from our usual sunday thing, my friend pocci will be going back to manila so hopefully we can see each other before his flight.

i am hoping for a slower, much happier, full of memories second week of october.
sem break's on. i hope i do get some break this time.

Friday, October 7, 2011

halin sa facebook


1. Touch her waist.
2. Actually talk to her.
3. Share secrets with her.
4. Give her your jacket.
5. Kiss her slowly.

Are you remembering this?
6. Hug her.
7. Hold her.
8. Laugh with her.
9. Invite her somewhere. Date.
10. Hangout with her and your friends together.

11. Smile with her.
12. Take pictures with her.
13. Pull her onto your lap.
14. When she says she loves you more, fight back.
15. When her friends say “I love her more than you”, deny it. Fight back and hug her tight so she can’t get to her friends. It makes her feel loved.

Are you thinking of someone?
16. Always hug her and say I love you whenever you see her.
17. Kiss her unexpectedly.
18. Hug her from behind around the waist.
19. Tell her she’s beautiful.
20. Tell her the way you feel about her.

One last thing you need to do to show her you actually do mean it.
21. Open doors for her, walk her to her car - it makes her feel protected, plus it never hurts to act like a gentleman.
22. Tell her she’s your everything - only if you mean it.
23. If it seems like there is something wrong, ask her - if she denies something being wrong, it means SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT - so just hug her.

24. Make her feel loved.
25. Kiss her in front of OTHER girls you know!

26. Don’t lie to her.
27. DON’T cheat on her.
28. Take her ANYWHERE she wants.
29. Text message or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at school, and how much you miss her. Text message her before you sleep and say goodnight so she'll know she's the last thing on your mind
30. Be there for her whenever she needs you, and even when she doesn’t need you, just be there so she’ll know that she can always count on you.

31. Hold her close when she’s cold so she can hold you too.
32. When you are alone hold her close and kiss her.
33. Kiss her on the cheek.
34. While in the movies, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her lightly.
35. Don’t ever tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you’re mad. If she’s upset, comfort her.
36. When people diss her, stand up for her.
37. Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her.
38. Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart, link your fingers together while you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you.
39. When walking next to each other grab her hand.
40. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible.

41. Call or text her at night to wish her sweet dreams.
42. Comfort her when she cries and wipe away her tears.
43. Take her for long walks at night.
44. Always remind her how much you love her.
45. Sit on top of her and tell her how much you love her and then bend down to her face and kiss her while you’re sitting on her.

You’ll never know when she needs just a little more love .. ♥!

i love surprises!

i was having a very very busy day at work so when my friends came over to pick me up, i was more than happy to go to dinner with them.

little did i know that one of our childhood friends is back home so when i saw him, i was so glad i didn't notice i was crying when i hugged him. pocci's been away for quite some time so having him around even for just three days is a happy surprise.

we ate at one of our tambayans (actually, theirs...i was not allowed to go out much when we were in hs) and it was fun reminiscing our growing up years.

we then went to get some coffee at sbucks coz according to my friend, " we have no starbucks in norway" (hala, tuod? hahaha). there, i had another surprise when our little group bumped into another friend who i saw last about a year ago.

and when i got home, i found this...

meet Bronx (tatay gave him his name. i wanted something else but...he's dad so he gets to pick the name)

i thought he'd be here on sunday pa but earlier this evening, he was brought by my cousin coz he figured we could all use a little surprise.

here he was before he was brought to our house
isn't he cute??!!??

today was tiring but it was good. surprises. i just love them

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

today is world teachers' day

my parents were teachers. four of my aunts were teachers. when i was a little girl, my mom always brought me to her school and so i grew up knowing her friends and even tutored by some. growing up, whenever i was asked if i wanted to be one myself, i'd answer with an emphatic "NO".

i wanted to be a doctor, or a speech pathologist. even a nun when i was in elementary school. being a teacher never crossed my mind.

in grade school, i had teachers who were total opposites.

i had a teacher who, when a classmate in prep pushed me in a puddle, said "indi tu hungod, katambok abi sa imo kundi nasalapay ka" (she didn't mean it. you're fat that's why you got in your classmate's way). i also had one who always criticized my performance in her subject (filipino - i was really terrible in the subject).

but i also had teachers who told me "whatever you want to do, you can". they always seemed to believe the best in me. they pushed me to join contests, encouraged me to sign up for the different school clubs (yes, even the dancing one. hahaha)...they just believed in me - all fatty fat fat with unruly hair me.

after i graduated in college and passed the board exam, the university offered me a job to teach and i said no a couple of times before i finally gave in (with a little coercion, maybe? hahaha) . i told the dean then that i will only be teaching for one semester...and now it has been years since i signed that contract with the university.

so what made me stay?

at first i enjoyed being financially capable. i loved being able to buy stuff for myself and putting in money for a business (which is now a different story) and saving money for future use. but later on, i realized that i like teaching, and after a few more years, i realized and now know that i LOVE teaching.

i love seeing my students eyes light up whenever they overcome a difficulty in their lessons, or when their experiments turn out well. i love seeing them interact with each other and build friendships. i love being friends with them, sharing and making memories while they are in the university or during their internship. i love seeing them accomplish something, and my heart swells every time i see them taking their oaths as fellow pharmacists.

so yeah, I am a teacher. And it is a strange, scary thing to be. sometimes i still find myself unprepared for my lessons. this sem had me questioning my being one. there are times when i feel that i am not enough (i know i need to take a break from teaching soon coz i need a breahter). But I was raised by some of the best and so I, in turn, need to believe that I didn’t turn out too bad myself.

to my teachers from grade school to graduate school, to my mom's friends and to those i consider my mentors, thank you for guiding me all these years. i am the kind of teacher i am today because of you. happy teachers' day! i love you so much.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

earlier tonight

a bottle of kurant
a surprise cake

friends happy for you and me
for us

wow....there's an "us" now. a "we".

i like the sound of it.

we'll make this work.

Monday, October 3, 2011

a late post

when i was in singapore last month, i viewed a photo exhibit by the photographer Abbas

what got my interest were his photos of the different religions all over the world

i born and raised Catholic (and the conservative/traditional one at that) but I have lots of friends who belong to other religions and we never had problems about it. we have similar beliefs, even practices, and they tug at my heartstrings every time they tell me they include me and my intentions in their prayers. i know that them praying for me is one of the reasons why i am blessed. it makes me feel loved, knowing that our friendships can be thicker than faith.

while viewing the photos, I got to thinking and realized that at the core of every organized religion is LOVE. love for one's self, for another person, for a higher being, whatever name you might call him/her.

at the end of the hall was a guestbook. i scanned through it and this was what i liked best:

"...i think i don't understand enough to understand..."

i might not understand other religions but i would like to believe that i understand love and that's what's more important. what's most important.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

The tip of my nose, his shoulder.

May many nights end like that. heart's not lost anymore