alone

Alone is a word that I have been comfortable with the past three years or so. I know I have a lot of friends but I keep to myself. I would rather have them talk about themselves and give them my two cents. There are only a few people who I get to confide with and I’m okay with that. I have my journal and this blog as outlets for my ramblings.

Being alone taught me to be tough. I used to think that I always needed someone by my side but the past years made me realize that I can be okay just by my lonesome. I was able to build walls around me, shoving my heart in a box and shutting it out from the world. I still cared about people and stuff. I still cried a lot. But I was careful not to let someone be special enough to break those walls or make me want to take my heart out of the box.

Not until last year. Suddenly my walls started to fall. My heart wanted out. I tried so hard to keep the walls up and my heart away. I tried my darndest to be rational about everything but it was no use. I dunno why but all my efforts were futile.

SO I gave in. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made but there are still times when I question myself if am worthy of what I have now, if we can make it right.  I still spend sleepless nights wondering if this will last.

Being alone made me tough, made me okay to be just by myself. I have always been proud of myself for being an independent woman. Girl power. I can do stuff on my own. I can be by myself and still have a wonderful time.

And now it scares me that I have grown accustomed to have someone. Every day, every time something happens to me, there is this one person I wanna share it first with. I think of the things that happened and the things that will happen – things we’ll be doing, the places we’ll go to. I make possible plans for us and can’t wait to ask him about his opinion. I think about our future together.

It makes me warm and fuzzy.

But I’m scared. One day he might not be there anymore.

I remember what a friend told me a few weeks ago, while I was anxiously waiting for my MRI session at the hospital. He asked me why he was there and not this person. I answered “because as much as I really want him to be here, I’m scared I might get used to wanting him by my side always. I don’t want to allow myself to be weak. I was okay being alone and it scares me that I might (and I’m pretty sure I will) expect him to be there always and I’ll get disappointed.” To which my friend answered “You took a big risk the moment you let him get to you.  You just can't share the happy things.  You have to share the scary and the bad stuff too. You can’t always be strong. You can’t keep everything in. You have to let yourself be weak sometimes and you have to let him be there coz I’m sure he wants to be there for you the same way you’re there for him. You are not alone anymore and I’m sure he’ll never want you to feel alone. Isn’t that what you told our friend last year? Easier said than done, huh?”

I’ll be going home in a few hours. We will be away from each other for some months and needless to say it pains me knowing he wouldn’t be by my side. I know he will always be the first person I’d think of whenever something happens or whenever there’s something I wanna talk about. I will certainly miss having him around – our silly talks, even our comfortable silences.

The other day I was watching the new Sherlock Holmes series (which is fantastic btw, you should give it a shot) and Sherlock said “Alone is what I have. Alone is what protects me”. Then Watson answered “Alone doesn’t protect you. Friends protect people”.

Alone. It was my word for quite some time but I’m letting it go now. 


Life's better when there's a special someone to share everything with.

I'm taking a shot at being okay with not being alone.