i'm just tired of getting hurt, taken for granted and all that shiz

i can't let the pain go.
the hurt from everyone.

i feel so alone.

i feel that i will never - no matter how much i want things - get what i want.

i feel so low. so hopeless.

i don't like it at all

dec 16

it's the start of another nine-day novena before christmas. i wanted to write about something else but today, it's all about the simbang gabi.

friends have been asking me why i do this. simple: i love doing it. it has been a tradition in our family. my mom used to sing with the choir at Jaro cathedral, esp during my tito berting's time as archbishop. 

also, it is when i make prayer intentions for others. and just last year, for myself too.

this year i am praying for the people i love. i am offering my novena for them. and this time, i have this one big thing i want so much. i have been praying for this since the year started. it is a part two of what i prayed for (and what an answer i got!) last year. 

here's to the next eight days. may we, who started the simbang gabi, make it to the end of this novena.

goodnight friends!

nagsasa in three different trips

looked the same but the stories we can tell about these three trips!! 

amazing how one year can change a lot of things

December 8

About 3 years ago, in this same date, i received right-in-your-face answers to my prayers.
earlier today, i went to church and prayed for myself and for others. i prayed, asked for some "things" i really really really want.
during the sermon, the priest said something that i feel was part of an answer to one of them.
just a few minutes ago, i got an answer to one of my prayers.
i still have about three weeks. i know that's quite a short time. but i believe in miracles. i have faith that what is best for me and my loved ones will be given.

...and now i'm off to the airport.

December

i was all set to whine tonight but then there are a lot of things these past two weeks that i should be thankful for and happy about. like

 

thoughtful friends who sent some of my favorite stuff 

new babies in the barkada (that's little Grum-grum)

some girl bonding with my ffai  - complete with tears and laughter and what-nots

(and yes, i will talk about this soon)

and lastly,

time with my boys. it was short but i really did enjoy it and i hope for more in the near future.

i know i have been so scared and fearful and doubtful the majority of this year. i have my reasons, believe me. i wanna let those reasons go and focus on the happy thoughts but every time i expect something - every time i put my faith on promises made - my heart gets crushed and i feel all sorts of disappointments and sadness and sometimes despair. and then lots and lots of tears. i said and have been saying my prayers every day and i can only hope that I will be given what i want- what my heart really really truly wants.

it's December 5th. Christmas-time. I haven't even started on my own Christmas gifts. I already bought everyone theirs but as of the moment, none for me. i don't even know what I want - well, I do but that's a different story (and i wantwantwantwaaaaaaaaaant it so bad i'm scared i won't have it).

it's time to enjoy the season and the last days of this rollercoaster year.

swak

...because these thoughts haunt me. i try so hard to keep them away but they keep on nagging me. 

i am scared. it's been over a year but why is the fear still there?