“…Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer…”

-excerpt from “Letters to a Young Poet” by R. M. Rilke

the EX effect

Exes solicit all kinds of reactions when they see each other.
There's the "ah really, he was here? i didn't see him". And then there's the "please. let's not talk about it." Still, there's also the "did you see who he was with?! did you see what she was wearing?" and let's not forget the "ohmygosh, what was i thinking when i dated him?"

Last night I saw some pics of both my exes (I only had 2 boyfriends) and believe me, I had all sorts of reactions too but I ended up sleeping soundly because I didn't feel bad or sad about my exes anymore.

You see, my breakups were never okay. Unfortunately, my exes did not have the balls to break up with me personally. My initial reaction was to just completely erase everything. You know, like in the movie "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" (if you, my dear reader, have not seen the movie, go look for it. you won't regret watching it!)

Then the years passed, i got over my broken heart and got to thinking...you know...they weren't REALLY The Antichrist. We had some good times, too. And with every relationship, I always find that I learn a little bit more about myself. And no matter how awful the breakup was, there is still at least one positive memory to look back on at any given moment. There is still something to be thankful for - for having gone through that relationship.

SO i guess seeing, hearing about, or even smelling (by virtue of other people sporting the same scent) our ex tightens our chest for a bit. No matter how hard you try, the remnants remain. No matter how long ago, no matter how bad the break-up, no matter how traumatic the relationship, no matter how much we deny it, the memories of an ex can never be fully erased.

I've learned that ......

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do.

I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it.

I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.

I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice.

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned that my best friends and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.

I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.

I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological.

I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.

I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves, get farther in life.

I've learned that many things can be powered by the mind, the trick is self-control.

I've learned that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.

I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.

I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.

I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.


AMEN.

my heart is tired

This caring business is making me so damn tired. I sometimes wish there's an off switch somewhere so that when it gets too much I can just shut off automatically and go on as if nothing had happened - I can just ignore whatever that was.

I really think it’s possible to love my friends too much.

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.”

Nearly a million people worldwide commit suicide each year, with anywhere from 10 million to 20 million suicide attempts annually.

Just last week, a friend became part of that statistics.

I got the text massage this evening. I was having a good day, having fun with friends when my phone beeped and boom! My heart stopped.

As soon as I got home, I read articles about suicide and I just can't find the logic behind taking one's own life. Someone said I should be more understanding or rather I should feel familiar with the event having had 3 friends committing suicide in the past years but I can't. Each friend is unique. Each loss, a different pain.

Dear Sarah, I hope you find the peace you wanted. I will always remember you as a person with a good heart. God bless your soul.

I am thankful

* for my wonderful tatay
Thank you for always carrying me when I was a kid :-)
Thank you for the cool conversations at random hours!
Thank you for getting me stuff I don't ask for. It's very sweet D-:
Thank you for understanding me a lot.
Thank you for tidying up my room though you know i'll still mess it up.
Thank you for the hugs!
Thank you for not saying "i told you so"
Thank you for the loooooooooooooooooooooooove
And thank you for understanding that there are a million more thank yous, but I can't remember them right now! :-)

*for my cuddlybear brother
Thank you for our dates - movies, concerts, trips, whatevers. Let's keep our memory bank going. WHen I'll be in my 80s, I will always look back on the eraserheads final set concert, the trips we had and the many many memories.
Thank you for always fixing the pc when it gets "alabuton"
Thank you for being the older sibling whenever i have my issues
Thank you for the books/music/movies you introduce me to.
Thank you for the cool conversations and for "getting" me even just by looking
at me.
Thank you for the love. (i know you love me, huya ka lang. hahaha)
Thank you for the laughter.

*for my amazing friends
Old and new alike, thank you for accepting me - flaws and all.

*for my cousins, titas, titos, family
Thank you for keeping the bond strong. We all have our issues but that doesn't stop the love.

*for my students.
I would not have lasted this long in the academe had it not been for you. I learn a new thing everyday from you. It has always been a two-way street and I will forever be thankful for the chance to be a part of your lives.

I am so blessed.

no other birthday gift can compare to the love you all have shown me.

my childhood

To all the actors, writers, and directors of the following shows...THANK you so much for shaping my childhood! Thanks to you, I wore my Giordano Classics T-shirt,Guess jeans with triangle butt logo, Swatch watch, High-cut rubber shoes, Lace frilled socks, Doc Martens, empire cut dresses and floral headband with much dignity and pride!




Small Wonder


Doogie Howser, MD (before NPH was barney)


Labyrinth



The Nanny

The Crystal Maze
Flight of the Navigator
Boy Meets World
The Wonder Years
Mighty Ducks
Home Alone
Beetlejuice
The Neverending Story
TGIS
Tabing Ilog

I'm sure I missed a whole darn lot but that's what I can remember so far.

Do add more to my list!!!!!!