Tuesday, February 7, 2012

today

"I think you should pray for what your heart desires. Ask God. There is nothing wrong with asking for what you want. It's about time you pray for yourself. " - DK

Earlier, over magnificent tears, I finally prayed for what I was afraid to pray for. I have this tendency, during my quiet time alone with God, to ask for many things.. things I have every confidence in Him to deliver. Healing for friends, what's best for loved ones, protection for family, provision for all, etcetera.

And then when it comes to me, I generally just say things like, “if it’s Your will..” blahblahblah. I never get into specifics and I’ve always known why. I can't bring myself to ask for what I want. I have always had doubts that He will give me the desires of my heart because a part of me (still) doesn’t think I deserve it.

That changed today. Today, I shamelessly wept at His feet and poured out all the contents of my battered mind and my scared worry-ful heart. All that was missing was me beating my chest for emphasis. But I did it. Finally. And it was like someone finally opening a window in an attic that’s forever been kept in the dark. All this mustiness seeped out of me and I could finally breathe.

So it’s out.

I’m now beginning to learn how to pray for myself. That’s a victory in and of itself, yes?

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