mother's day

We’re riding a taxi back home. It’s a long drive home. We talk about a lot of stuff. We discuss the progress of tatay’s special secret golden birthday in a week’s time. She’s excited – said she can’t wait to see how he will react. I get excited too. I love surprises and I can’t wait to pull this one off. She said the party will push through, whatever happens (we worry about some guests who have not RSVP’ed yet).

She then asks about school. I reply it’s ok; I remind her about the deal we made regarding my being on the dean’s list. She replies I’ll get my refund tomorrow after I finish my duty hours. She knows I plan to use it to buy my dad’s bday present. She says she’s happy that I heeded her “suggestion” (coercion maybe? hahaha) to take up pharmacy and though I am not into it still, I will learn to love the course and will see the reason/s why I am where I am right now. I tell her that I wanna prove I’m not a quitter and besides, I’m really beginning to like it; I’m even enjoying all the extra-co work/activities I participate in. She tells me she appreciates it and that she’s happy because had I left and gone to another school, we would not have spent more time together, even just like this moment. I give her a kiss. She smiles that big smile I soooo love and gives me a kiss and a hug back.

She said her leg hurts – said it’s prolly because of the barefoot procession we joined the other day and the trip she took yesterday. She lifts her leg and I notice that it’s a bit edematous. I don’t like what I see. I tell her we should go see a doctor. She agrees.

We reach the hospital. After she talks to the doctor, she tells me she’s checking herself in. She instructs me to go home, says she’ll be fine; says I better go and rest at home because I have duty tomorrow; says to tell dad to go there and stay with her instead.

I follow what she says but I first kiss her again and give her a big hug.

The next day she had her first heart attack. I did not know ‘til I got to the hospital after my duty. I got pissed. I went to her and told her I love her, asked her to fight. She couldn’t talk because of a tube attached to her but she scribbles her messages on a notebook dad prepared and left by her bedside. She scribbled “(I’ll) try. Take care of lola. And bim. And tatay. Pray. Love you”. I hold back my tears.

My brother and I talked to her doctor and the doctor said she’ll be fine; said she’s got a good chance to recover and that we should not worry.

The following day she had her second attack.

I got so pissed. I talked to her doctor again. She said the same thing she said the previous day.

I believed the doctor. Still. I held on to her doctor’s words. She’ll be okay.

My dad’s birthday came. She was in a coma already. We had dad’s birthday celebration inside and outside the ICU. Our “guests” were the folks of the other ICU patients and whoever visited that day (not that they could come in and really see her). Even Tito Berting (Arch Piamonte, her cousin) was there; he “talked” to her and prayed with her. The people in the ICU were curious why we’re having a party. I told them she said the party should push though. Whatever happens.

My brother and I had some time together. We talked. I asked him how he feels. He replied he’s ok. He’s positive she’ll be alright. I told him that if worse comes to worst, it’ll just be me and him and dad. He’ll have to trust me and listen to me coz I’ll be “nanay” then. He said he trusts me but we’ll have to talk about everything first before making a decision. I agreed. I love my brother for that.

After the “party” I was left in the ICU to stay with nanay. I think I must have had 8 cans of coke at least just so I can stay awake the whole night.

The next day tatay and bim arrived to relieve me of my duty. I went home.

As soon as I got home, the phone rang. It was my brother asking me to go back to the hospital ASAP.

“Check mate”. That was all he said.

My heart shattered.

I hurried back to the hospital.

She’s gone.

I went to her side. She was still warm. I keep stroking her forehead and holding her hand. Tita May tells me I can still talk to her, she can still hear me.

I did just that. I asked her why she did not wait for me to come back. I told her I love her and will always think of her. I promised her I will take care of lola, and bim, and tatay. I said goodbye.

They wheel her out of the ICU.

Then I totally lost it.

I regret going home that morning. I hated myself for not being there while she was being revived. I still had a lot of things I wanted to say to her.

That was May 31, 1998. Eleven years ago. And I only talked about this now.

They say time heals all wounds.

Not this one. Not any time soon.

It still hurts. I still feel bad. I still hate myself for not being there that time. I still find it hard to live in a world where she doesn’t anymore.

Saying that I mss her is an understatement. I miss the hugs, the kisses, the long talks, our travels, even our fights. I miss just having her beside me.

Happy mother’s day nanay. I know you’re watching over us. I love you and I always think of you. Thank you for 18 wonderful years together.