today

when i woke up early this morning, i realized i lost my voice. every word that comes out doesn't sound right. i tried to remedy it - gargle, 4 strepsils lozenges, hot soup, taho (yeah...my tummy is gonna complain in a lil while) but nothing seems to work. it was so frustrating. when i left home, i was still sucking on a strepsils and i even dropped by a fast food store to take away some more hot soup. but nothing worked. i felt so bad. i have two lectures this morning and i was looking forward to them, after not being with my students last meeting. it's just sad. my day was just starting, and this??

 

i just had my first period class and all i can muster was a hoarse "good morning" which elicited different reactions from my students, the consensus which was "ma'am you just have to be quiet. maybe you need this time to be silent."

 

so i just left them with something to work on (which is what i will be doing for my 1030 class..i have no choice but to choose to accept my limitation for today and that means i really cannot hold classes) and went to the chapel for my daily visit. while there, i reflected on what my students said..."maybe you need this time to be silent".

 

i have a lot on my mind these days...this whole month, in fact. i was busy with work. with family. with friends. i had a lot of things to do. i had a lot of places to go to. a lot of meetings and conferences and seminars i needed to be at. a lot of dinners and parties and get togethers. i talked a lot. i moved a lot. a lot. just a lot.

and i know why i did and am still doing everything. i know why i get myself so busy. it's because i am scared of something. esp this one big fear that is taking place right now, this last day of January. this reason why i have sleepless and/or restless nights. i remember my best friend telling me he works so he could forget everything else. and that is what i am trying to do. i wanted to be busy so i could push the scary, ugly, heartbreaking thoughts away. not that the things i did didn's give me happy vibes, they did. i am thankful coz they did give me a sense of happiness/belongingness/etc at that exact point. they just weren't enough to keep the fears away, though.

so maybe they're right. maybe i do need to be silent. be quiet. even for just this day.



 

 while lighting candles in the chapel, i chanced upon this verse at the foot of one of the candelabras:

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” - Psalm 46:10

I have faith in God and in the wonderful people he sent my way. in this wonderful person He gave me. I have faith things will fall into place. I hope that day comes soon.