may 31

may 31 is the date my mom died. it's a day after my dad's birthday.

she died 13 years ago.

a lot of times i wonder what she would say about the things in my life - my relationships, my career, my decisions. everything. more often than not, i second guess myself because i fear that she might not like the decisions i made/make. i still have a lot of my "lost" moments and sometimes i wish that she'd appear in front of me, telling me the answer.

i know that had she not died, i wouldn't really be where i am now but as with what my dad said "your mom always tells you that everything happens for a reason. she left us for a reason but she will always be in us. in our hearts. listen to your heart and you will hear her. you will find her there. everything will be alright. after all, you are truly her daughter".

i miss you, nanay. never a day goes by that i don't think about you. thank you for 18 wonderful years together.

(my boys)

my very busy week part2

went to asilo de molo for my monthly visit.


visited my other "nanay" at mom's old school. two and a half hours went by just.like.that. visiting my mom's school brought back a lot of memories and a lot of tears, too.


helped the happy couple with their preparations and even heard some good news: G's getting married to the love of his life and J's annulment was finally granted, and he's the best man in G's wedding (which, btw, is about a month after dan's+zsa's wedding).


Pirates of the Carribean + Moon + Sbucks date with big lil bro. we were the last car left at sm's parking lot!


graduation!!!! happy happy


cle's back home from cali. we went out, ate a lot and went to...

party....it rained though so we ended up with what we do best...having coffee at midnight and talking til around 3am!


aiko's bridal thingy. just went for lunch but it was soooo nice catching up with them.

and now i'm back to 39.2 degrees celsius.
still have a lot of things to do this week though. plus, a trip to save my summer!!!!

dear toots,
please don't lose hope. your sacrifices will be fruitful in due time. sometimes we really do not get what we want but i believe that there will always be a reason for things not going our way. and most of the time, if they don't go as planned, something better comes along. something that will make us stronger. happier. something that's what's truly best for us.
and sometimes, this best thing comes unexpectedly. you just have to have an open mind and an open heart.

i know it's easier said than done but you just have to be strong for now.

you have eeva. you have me and ate jac and ate bambi. even kuya bim. you have our little OMC family. so never feel alone. we all love you.

here's a video and the lyrics of the last song we agreed we liked. we have so much to talk about, little brother.



You touch these tired eyes of mine
And map my face out line by line
And somehow growing old feels fine
I listen close for I'm not smart
You wrap your thoughts in works of art
And they're hanging on the walls of my heart

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
I never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

You healed these scars over time
Embraced my soul
You loved my mind
You're the only angel in my life
The day news came my best friend died
My knees went week and you saw me cry
Say I'm still the soldier in your eyes

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
I never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

(powerhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuug) kapatid =)

today

meeting number 1: working lunch with tintin and intsik


meeting number 2: went to suppliers and then met up with organizer to finalize plans over


dr. noe called and reminded (reprimanded? hahaha) me about our appointment.


i got these!!!! (lab tests galore....i need someone to hold my hand when i go to the lab)


meeting number 3: paperwork

meeting number 4: working dinner

and then....we ended with


tomorrow: more meetings!!! plus ISAT and asilo de molo and hopefully dinner + movie with big little brother.

for now

right now, it's


my head aches but i need to go to


when i would really rather


while listening to



http://youtu.be/jCSe66pWNmc

so i hope it's not


so i can finish what needs to be done (3 meetings, doctor's appt, paperwork, errands) and go back home and get some rest.

this is for my new friend Hanna

you told me you read my blog so this post is for you.

i've been in two shitty relationships before and their aftermath was terrible but... i still hope for love. i still want to have that someone who'll be my partner (in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer...hehehe), my bestfriend, my lover. mine.

after hearing your story, this is what i can tell you:

Relationships are scary. It's like playing a game-- a gamble. I remember the quote from the movie If Only by Jennifer Love Hewitt, "They say there's always someone in a relationship who loves more." It's true. To fall in love is to become vulnerable. You take your heart out from your chest, hand it to someone, and let them take care of it. Blind trust. That's what falling in love is.
You have to fully trust someone that they won't turn around and stab your heart.Love is about risk. Love is so magical & wonderful, but it is also scary & risky & stomach churning. The rewards are enormous -- when it's good, it's like a kingdom full of treasures --but there are dangers, too. Like... what if you aren't accepted when you tell the truth about who you are & what you want? What if you're as real as you can be & you get rejected? What if you get cheated on? What if you find out you're not the only wo/man in his/her life? All of these things can happen & more. Which is why love, the real stuff, not the silly, I'm here-until-someone-better-comes-along, "I-love-you" "Oh-yeah-I-love-you-too" stuff, requires bravery & courage & strength. People who really love, who really put their hearts out there & take the chance, should be awarded medals, because it's hard. EVERYONE gets hurt in love. Everyone. You might not necessarily get dumped or cheated on, but sometimes things don't go how you wish they would, & that hurts. So much. When you make an emotional investment in someone & they don't return it? Yeah, that sucks big time. It makes you sad & angry & want to swear off lovers forever. But you have to pull yourself up & move onwards, because if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

(and those who play, should be shot and be given a slow death.)

i learned something today

i can be quite thick-skinned. i cry a lot at the slightest provocation but i can really control myself if i want to. i realized i can be pretty cold too. hambal pa gani ni ma'am rose: "grabe ka man ta ba. if i was in your place, while ____ was saying those not so nice things about you, i would have fled the stage and cried my eyes out. but nooo....you stood there and took everything in. smiling. and then you gave your rebuttal with a happy birthday song for ____ to boot! "

i dunno if that's a compliment but i kinda like it!

(and yeah, i cried after i introduced the speaker...but that's away from everyone's line of vision)

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

it's not that i don't know how to fight back. i do. i just choose to fix things properly - without shouting, without belittling someone else, without fighting. as much as i can, i want to just talk things over. i can attack the problem point by point naman without all those hassles.

there are battles which can be won by being soft-spoken. i believe and know that for sure. been there, done that.