another rant.

it's funny how you get a whole new perspective when someone tells you something you've thought of before and tried to forget already. a flood of thoughts come back and then you realize you were right all along. you just rationalized the shit off that something coz you didn't want to accept the truth. that you got duped. that somehow, you failed. and more importantly, that those people who kept nagging and bugging you about it were right all along.

i am sick and tired of making excuses for these "friends". i should have known all along. i should have listened to jac and manang din2 and manang zes. i thought i was also valued but it turned out i got played. in the worst case possible.

so now he's back. just. like. that. and now everyone's telling me i should just forgive and make things like they used to be? i forgave already. a long time ago. but i can't make things like what they used to be. i don't want to. that should not be my initiative. he can't even say hello to me yesterday.

i was hurt. i am hurt. i was a good friend. i covered up for him. for everything he asked me to. it's one thing to involve money but another to lie at my face. consistently. i covered for all the lies, thinking that indeed, tita had CA. or that the uncle died and so he must go and help with the family. or that he was left all alone because his family cannot accept his being gay. or that his brothers are such troublemakers. or that he is the only one his family can depend on. or that he is so kawawa because of this and that.

lies. all lies. to top it all off, he was blabbering not-so-good stuff about me all along. a lot of ugly untrue stuff.

everyone pitied him. i pitied him the most. i have a wonderful family and it made me sad that despite his intelligence and talent and being the department's "golden boy", his family cannot accept him. so i took it upon myself to be his "big sister". but it turned out i was just duped. i was used. and even the students were used.

i just can't be friends anymore. not yet, anyway. i need an explanation. and i won't badger him for that. it just pains me every time we're in the same vicinity because i want to hug him and punch him at the same time. and i am not like this. i am not a violent person. i would rather not be in the same room with him. but it can't happen. we have to work together. i cannot work with someone i do not trust. i don't even think i know him in the first place.

grabe. aga pa bala.
my mind is tired from all the rationalizing. my tear ducts are tired from all the crying.
i don't know how much more love my heart can lose. i am tired.