early morning ramblings

i wrote this at 345 this morning but was not able to publish...clicked the wrong button =)

I got home at 3 in the morning after a night out with friends. Early afternoon, I spent time with one of my girl best friends. I then had dinner with my high school barkada. Lastly, I had late night coffee with a dear gay friend.

My girl friend talked about how her week went. I talked about my last relationship.

My high school friends dissected my last relationship. According to one, the agendum for the night was “an autopsy of princess’ dead lovelife”. Of course they knew my ex. After all, we had almost six years together. He met them and they, him. It was fun to know my friends’ take on my last relationship.

My gay friend and I talked about our love lives. We both got out of our long term relationships a few months ago but what differs is that I was the dumpee in mine, he was the dumper in his’.

So we talked. And talked. And talked. And what struck me most was that they had the same question: “"Do you regret anything in your last relationship?"

I know I should say no coz after all “things happen for a reason”. And I believe that. But I’m only human. I am hurting and I think I have the right to feel bad about my failed relationship.

I regret having to invest so much into that relationship. My emotions (extreme love which later on turned to hate). My money (the gifts!). My time (almost six years). I even lost a dear friend.

BUT …I can help my heart heal. I am still earning my own money. I can try to get the friendship back (God help me).

Now time is a different story.

It was almost six years. Six years that I could never take back. And I know it was partly my fault. Truth be told, I was already having doubts about the relationship during our fourth year. But I held on to the thought that “things could still change”. I did not want to let go because I felt that letting go is admitting defeat. Letting go is acknowledging that others were right about my relationship.

I am a very patient person. I am a nurturer. I am very tolerant. To people. To pain.
My friends tell me that as much as that is a good thing, it also backfired on me. I wanted to prove to myself and to everyone that the relationship can withstand anything. I wanted to prove that what we were going through was just a test. I wanted to prove them wrong.

So I stayed. I kept my head down and hustled…and hustled...until I looked up one day and realized he really was not in it with me. So it ended. It turned out wrong. I did not have my happy ending.

I’ve never told my friends the whole story about my failed relationship. We broke up in June and I kept myself mum. I was not ready to admit defeat. I was finally able to tell them in September but I did not really discuss things. Until last night. I figured that if I can openly talk about it, I am probably ready and willing to move on.

I am thankful that my friends are the kind who do not gloat and say “I told you so”. I am glad that they listened patiently and that they helped me see things I’ve overlooked. I am glad that they had nothing but love and support for me.

One of them read me this text message: “Life is too short for regrets. No buts, no ifs, no lies. Love the people who treat you right, forget the ones who don’t. Things happen for a reason. If you see a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody says its easy. But it’s all worth it.”

I know it will still take some time for me. I know the lessons I should learn from this. I will probably write some more about my failed relationship. I will definitely have intermission numbers while getting over my failure. But I will move on.

I will move on.